


Thoughtless

by leooX



Series: Cruel [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Flashbacks, Hand Jobs, Isolation, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Stockholm Syndrome, Tyler is a psychologist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-09-07 21:43:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 37,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8817265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leooX/pseuds/leooX
Summary: For nine years, all Josh knew was pain and punishment. Tyler is paid to help him get over it.





	1. Introduction.

**Author's Note:**

> Just testing the waters with this fic. Kinda based off something I wrote (really badly) like four years ago. Let me know what you think of it.  
> There will obviously be bad stuff in this, triggering things, but flashacks will be in italics and they're not the most important part, this is about Josh's recovery.  
> I didn't want to write Tyler as a therapist because it's so usual but I didnt know how else to introduce them both.  
> 'Mister Cruel' is a real thing. It's fucked up, if you read about him.
> 
> (Josh is 19 Tyler is 28)

Tyler was never sure what to expect when he was called in for an emergency case. He'd had plenty in his two years as a practicing psychologist, or psychotherapist, or therapist, whatever you called what he did, he'd seen a lot, but that didn't matter because when he was escorted into the closed off hospital ward, he decided this was the worst he'd ever seen.

"I know you've had more true experience with things like this," a doctor with graying hair, though he didn't look too old, started, "But he has no idea what's going on and I'm going to run you through some stuff, okay?"

"Yeah- of course." Tyler took a seat in the hallway and listened attentively.

"Josh- Joshua William Dun- went missing when he was ten years old. His parents had a series of short lived phone calls, that never included speech, until three weeks in- they received a call from Josh, but he was crying and was cut off. That was the last call they ever had, and for nine years Josh was with the person he calls ' _Mister Cruel_ '."

Tyler swallowed heavily and nodded. He'd never worked with a victim of kidnap and abuse.

"Two months ago, he was recovered when a new neighbour of ' _Mister Cruel_ ' visited and saw various images taped up in a small closet by the back door. The police were informed and investigated, finding thousands of Polaroids and files of child pornography and, most importantly, Josh in the basement. They have not caught ' _Mister Cruel_ '- he's covered himself so well- and Josh was not his first victim, but he's the longest. It is absolutely a very typical sounding case, but I've worked as a doctor ten years and I can tell you that this. This is horrific."

"Okay." Tyler said quietly, shifting the files and pads of paper he held in his arms.

"His parents were called in to make sure it was him and- though he was barely recognisable- they identified him as their son and left him to recover for three days in hospital. At this time, Josh was still under the impression that ' _Mister Cruel'_ was still with him, and that he loved him, which of course is referred to as 'Stockholm Syndrome'. We're having the hospital psychiatrist diagnose and medicate him based on your notes, seen as his old medication… well he refused to take them at all. And because he wasn't screaming and in constant pain, they thought he was fine, despite how we advised he had to see someone, they took him home. During the early hours of this morning, he began to become lucid again, and spent three hours in panic before they finally brought him in. He's in a terrible state. Would you like me to go through some of the experiences he had whilst he was taken, or would you like to read it?"

"I think I'd rather read it myself, thank you." Tyler wasn't sure how he'd react with the other man sat there, and took the brown envelope gratefully, being left alone at last. He slowly pulled the sheets from the envelope and turned them over to read them.

He found a list of vague things, and then a page full of the varying tortures Joshua had endured, many were very descriptive.

**JOSHUA WILLIAM DUN**

**AGE: 19**

**SEX- Male**

_Found with multiple lacerations to the face, neck, back, thighs, stomach, feet and genitals._

_Scar tissue / keloid scars / sensitive to touch._

_Anal tearing- numerous accounts of rape/anal play._

_Compound fracture in the left Ulna._

_Delayed union in the right wrist._

_Torn ligaments in left bicep._

_Visual impairment- no vision in right eye._

_Possible speech impediment._

_Possible brain damage._

Tyler felt he'd read enough to get a good idea of what he was working with, not that he'd know until he really met Joshua. He'd helped rape victims before, but Joshua was a victim of nine years of rape and torture.

Tyler wasnt experienced in that, but he was being paid $200 every session he spent with Joshua because he was _good_ at what he did.

With a quiet, unsure sigh he stood up and walked over to the door of the room Joshua was in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk. Leave comments please?  
> For the record it is possible to dislocate your jaw when you have severe problems breathing and are trying to breathe.

Tyler decided it was best to wait for Joshua's parents to arrive before coming into contact with him, so they could explain the situation fully. Plus, they were the ones paying him.

He stood ouside of Joshua's room patiently (maybe a little nervously) twirling a pen around his thumb and reading the files he had repetedly.

When Joshua's parents walked in, Tyler could see immediately why they could pay him.

They looked prissy, formally dressed with stoic faces, but they cared about their son. Of course they did, or they wouldn't have brought Tyler here.

"Hello Mr and Mrs Dun, my name Is Tyler Joseph, it's nice to meet you." He held out his hand and the man took it with a grunt, his wife giving him a wry smile before introducing them.

"I'm Laura, this is Bill. Thank you for coming- we worked hard to get someone for our son-"

"Yes, and we hope you are worth the money." Bill interrupted. He looked defeated but stern, like he knew what he wanted, but Tyler didn't think he knew what he was dealing with here.

"Of course. I aim to help my clients as much as possible in the time I have with them. Would you like to inform me on why Joshua was readmitted to hospital this morning?" Laura nodded and took a seat, and so did Tyler, shifting to face her.

"Since Josh- he prefers Josh- came home, he was really… Bill, what did they say?"

"They said he was dissociative."

"Yeah. He didn't talk or eat. It was like he was in his own little world- he'd have conversations with. With…" She struggled with her words and hid her face in her hands.

"With ' _Mister Cruel_ ,'. He'd talk to him as if he were right there." Bill supplied and Tyler nodded. "Flashbacks, probably."

"Right." Bill cleared his throat. These people had probably had little to no experience with mental health, never mind at this severity. "It started at three this morning. I went to the bathroom and Josh was sat in a small space next to the toilet- when I spoke he started to scream and kick out at me and… I didn't know what to do. I yelled back at him and he just... stopped. And he…" Bill paused, looking guilty and disgusted. "He got to his knees and bent over as if… _You know_. Anyway, that's why he's here. You should go and see him."

Tyler took a moment to process the new information and then got to his feet, running a hand through his hair. "Thank you both. I'll be back out to speak with you once I've seen Joshua- Josh." He made the short distance to the door and took a breath, opening it ever so slowly and discreetly peeking around it, scanning the room for Josh.

He couldn't see him so he figured he must've been hiding, and crept in, sitting on the small settee that was at the back of the room and crossing a leg over the other.

"Do-don't do like t-that," he heard, a miniscule whimper from under the hospital bed.

"Don't do what, Josh?" He asked softly, despite not being able to see him.

"Where's M-Mister?" He asked weakly, Tyler saw him shift under the bed and he pulled himself out to the other side, still hidden from Tyler.

"He's not here anymore. You're safe now, Josh." He paused incase Josh had anything to say. "My name is Tyler. I'm here to help you- I'm here so you can talk to me Josh, okay?"

"Don't w-wanna to t -talk." Josh uttered, and Tyler watched as he gripped the sheets and hauled himself onto the bed. He was in a hospital gown that blood on the bottom, and a hoodie that they'd allowed him to wear after he screamed. All of the skin he could see was marred and discoloured, some of it tight with purple and pink scarring. Some of the wounds looked infected, even after being cleaned.

The most harrowing thing Tyler could see was his eye- it was a murky grey colour, and the skin around it was scarred. Tyler wasnt informed that the reason he was visually impaired was because he'd had his eye stabbed and cut. Tyler couldnt not stare, seen as he had to look Josh in the eyes to get to him.

"How are you feeling right now, Josh?" Josh glanced at him and then at his hand suspiciously.

"I want… all alone." He whispered, picking his skin with his fingernails and then biting them.

"When was the last time you ate? Have you been eating regularly?" Josh chose not to reply, covering his eyes with hands and shaking his leg that was crossed under the other. "Would you like to talk about… Mister Cruel?" Tyler asked reluctantly, holding his pen tighter and waiting for Josh's reaction.

Josh tensed visibly and looked around, fingers in his mouth still. "He's here?"

"No- he's not here and you're safe, remember? Would you like to talk about how he made you feel?"

"N-no!" He yelled, hitting his fist on the bed and fixing Tyler with a cold, sad glare.

"Okay- we can take this slow. How are you feeling?" Tyler changed quickly.

"No." He tucked his chin into his knees and clung to his legs, his back beginning to shake with the effort and Tyler presumed he was going to cry.

"How have you been feeling since you went home? How was that?" He asked instead, making a few notes on his clipboard and turning his attention to Josh.

"I d-dont know them… I w-want…" Josh stopped himself with a huff. "Why I'm here?"

"You're here because you got upset this morning, remember?" Josh shrugged in reply. Tyler really did feel like he was talking to a stubborn child, he remembered seeing 'possible brain damage', but it could probably be put down to the fact that he'd been locked away for nine years with a man that he'd said didn't talk much.

"Do you remember your family?"

"I-I... don't know their names…" he admitted shamefully, his voice cracking as he began to cry.

"That's okay- they don't care about that. They love you, they want to help you, okay? That's why I'm here. You can talk to me about anything and I can help you get through this, Josh."

After that, Josh refused to talk to him, choosing to lay down and cry brokenly. In a way- it was good. Josh was numb and stuck in his own head only hours ago- he was becoming lucid again.

Tyler said goodbye to Josh and quietly left the room, sucking in a breath as he was bombarded with questions from Bill and Laura.

"What's wrong with him?"

"What did he say?"

"Can we take him home?"

"Is he okay?"

"Bill, Laura," he stared pointedly at them both. "What Josh went through was extremely traumatising. It's unlikely he'll ever be okay." They looked grim but confused, and Tyler wondered if they actually knew what happened to their son.

"We had some conversation, but not enough for me to come to conclusions. I'll be handing my notes in and our next meeting will be more persistent and hopefully, not so short lived."

"Okay- but what did he tell you?"

Tyler sighed and rubbed his forehead, "I can't tell you that. Everything is strictly confidential unless he says something I deem as dangerous."

Laura frowned and tucked her arm into her husbands elbow. "Okay… are you free tomorrow? We just want him to be better…"

-

Josh gripped his pillow tightly, trying to block out the people talking around him, trying to talk to him. The people who said they were his parents and family... he didn't know them. He felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't breathe.

_He was twelve._

_"C-can't breathe! I-I-"_

_Instead of a comforting hand rubbing his back, helping him breathe, stopping the pain pulsating in his ribs from the pressure there, he received a harsh slap and a tug on his hair._

_He gasped and his mouth dropped open, desperately pulling in air that just wouldn't come, staring at the mold on the ceiling._

_"P-ple-please!"_

_And then Mister was standing on his chest and staring down at him, face covered by a black mask with zips._

_He could feel his jaw aching and creaking as he opened it wider than he thought possible- just trying to breathe._

_There was a loud_ _crack and his jaw hung, and he screamed, and Mister Cruel laughed._

"Josh?"

"Josh?!"

"He can't breathe- get a doctor."

Josh thrashed an arm out at the person holding him and twisted under the weight.

"Off! o-off!"

He was let go, and he sat up. He'd dealt with breathing problems for years- sitting up always helped.

A nurse rushed in, pushing a mask over his face. He protested violently.

**Drugs are bad drugs are _bad_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure about this story. Its gonna be pretty slow.

Josh stared blankly at the face of the woman who said she was his mother as she talked to him like he was a child.

He wasn't a _child_ … they said he was _nineteen_ now. That meant he'd been gone for nine years. _Nine fucking years._

He'd been trapped in the same room, with the same stains and filth for nine years. He'd been belittled and hurt. So _hurt_. And they treat him like a child? He'd been through more than they ever had. Fuck them. Fuck them so much.

"Did you hear me Josh?" He blinked and frowned. No he didn't and she knew he didn't. Why did everyone have to be so assertive and repetitive with him?

"I said that we've been talking to a special doctor and he's going to give you some different medication that can help you feel better."

Josh narrowed his eyes and glowered at her, "No. I'm not taking a-a pill. No."

"Is there a reason why you don't like pills, Josh?" God, it was _Tyler_ again. Why did he always have to be around?

Josh hated men. He hated them.

He fucking hated everyone.

"Because… Mister said that drugs are bad." He mumbled, pursing his lips and clenching his eyes shut. Don't think about it. Don't fucking think about it.

_He was ten._

_"Please- please, momma g-give me tablets when- ouch!- when i hur-hurt- please!"_

_Mister Cruel tutted and laughed. "Pills are bad, don't you know? They kill you. She was trying to kill you."_

_"N-no-"_

_Josh silenced himself and squeezed his eyes shut when Mister Cruel pointed to the iron hanging over the fire, whimpering at the pain radiating through the new wounds on his back and thighs from the new belt Mister had acquired._

Josh opened his eyes when he felt a hand on his knee, and jerked it away, bringing his knee to his chest.

"Why d'you w-wanna to ki-kill me?" He whispered unconsciously. His mother furrowed her brow in confusion and asked 'what?' but he ignored her.

"What can we do if he won't take them?" His father asked desperately. He scared Josh the most. He was big and strong and he yelled at him. Everything scared him.

-

They let him  _home_ again and Josh was bitter. He didn't know these people. They didn't know him. He wasn't meant to be here. He was meant to be tied down in a cold basement and beaten to within an inch of his fucking life. 

Not in a warm, nice house with pepole fussing over him when he wouldnt even talk to them. He couldn't talk to them. 

They stared at him. They acted like there was something wrong with him. 

They weren't wrong. 

He was  _filthy._

_Mister Cruel sneered down at him, kicking his ribs, making him groan and curl in on himself, looking up at him fearfully._

_"Disgusting. **Disgusting.** You're so  **dirty.** "_

_Josh could feel a range of different bodily fluids dripping out of him and onto the floor. There was no way he could stop it- his body was so used and loose and it was. Disgusting._

Josh could feel the pain in his bottom and spine like it was happening right now, and he cried out quietly, turning to hide his face in his pillow and placing a shaking hand at the bottom of his back and rubbing it slowly.

"Josh?"

A quiet voice from near his door. He pushed himself up with a wince and tried to look curious at the person who was walking into his room.

"Are you okay?"

It was his sister- Ashley; he remembered. He had two sisters.

He nodded silently, holding his hands together and only edging away slightly when she sat down next to him.

"What are you up to, huh?"

Josh shrugged and gestured loosely to a children's book on his pillow.

"Try'na read.. I can't... remember."

"That's okay. You want me to read?" Josh shook his head and folded his arms. "can I just hug you?"

He looked at her apprehensively. "Why?" Why would she want to touch him?

"Because I love you- and I want you to know that," she said tearfully. He didn't want to upset anyone; so he nodded, allowing her to pull him into her chest and rested her chin on his head, pressing a kiss there. Josh closed his eyes and fisted his hands in the purple cardigan she was wearing.

"I love you Josh. I'm so glad you're back."

And he couldn't stop himself from crying at that.

-

_Mister Cruel isn't here right now._ He told himself. He didn't believe it. He could feel his presence at the bottom of the bed- taunting him. Punishing him for things he didn't do.

"Please d-don't... No touching. St-stop." He croaked, falling flat on his stomach and rubbing his face into the covers. The covers. Not cement  _or blood or piss or shit or-_

_"What have you done?!"_

_Josh stared at the floor, his body shivering from the draft coming through the basement._

_"I-I di-dint-"_

_Mister Cruel was looking at the glass cabinet he kept nailed to the wall, full of the knives and weapons and things Josh didn't want to see, that he treasure so much. The glass was smashed and Josh didn't do it. He didn't._

_"Joshua! Get here. Right. Now."_

_Josh sobbed and turned away, huddling against the wall and covering his face with an arm._

_"I said now."_

_He couldn't move. He didn't want hurt. He couldn't take it anymore. He hurt. He hurt so much._

_Mister Cruel was stalking over to him so agonisingly slowly that Josh actually_ _screamed- ragged but not loudly, fIngers scrambling at the wall as if he was trying to dig through it, press impossibly closer._

_He had a knife and he was staring pointedly at Josh's eyes ; a gleam of pleasure and power flashing over his face._

Josh hit his head on the wall as he tossed over on his bed, searching frantically for the phone his  _family_ bought for him for when he needed someone. They were just downstairs but he couldn't move.

Though his vision was blurry, the vision he had, he navigated his way to emergency contacts and tapped the first one, letting it ring and half hoping no one answered.

"Josh?"

"Yeah," was Joshs weak reply, struggling to get the simple word out.

"How are you feeling, Josh?" Tyler asled,  his voice only a little distorted.

"I... I di'nt know who else who I could talk to..." he mumbled, the words confusing him.

"That's okay. Why did you call? Is something bothering you?"

"Yeh... i was. I was jus' thinking about... something I di'nt want to and I want to say it."

"That's fine. That's why I'm here."

Eventhough Josh hated men- all of them, Tylers voice was reassuring and kind. 

"When... when Mister... he hurted me always. But... My eye-"

_"Why are you looking like that?" Josh wailed, frozen as Mister Cruel made his way to him and then stopped, running his finger tips over the shiny metal blade._

_Josh knew why, and he scrambled up, cursing at the flare of hot, white pain that blinded him as he attempted to get away from the man that reached out for him, missing by an inch. Josh almost thought he was free until a hand fisted into his hair and yanked his head back and then there was a numbing feeling as something sliced over his eye._

_He screamed and fell to his knees, covering his eye and feeling faint as an almost clear fluid oozed out._

_Mister Cruel didn't think that was enough, and Josh could only see red as the blade was pushed into his eye socket and he passed out._

"Josh? Are you with me? Do I need to call your parents?"

"No! N-no." He gasped, chest heaving and a lump growing in his throat. "I remember. My eye-" he remembered saying those words already- "h-he stabbed it. My eye.  _My eye."_

Tyler almost didn't know what to say.

"Do you feel like that makes you... unequal to others? That you lost your vision?"

"It makes me... Why he did that to me?  _Why?_ I Just... I dont want this. Why me?"

Tylers quiet, steady breathing down the speaker helped him calm down, but his ears couldn't register what Tyler was saying.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting into the slowly developing relationship now. Hopefully the next chapter is more interesting.  
> 

"It was… alone- I was alone?"

"It was lonely," Tyler corrected, nodding and writing this down, waiting expectantly for Josh to continue.

Tyler was visiting Josh in his own home. He'd suggested Josh's room but Josh frantically searched for somewhere else. Tyler noted to check his room for anything he could harm himself with- it could be that, or he just didnt want another man near a bed with him.

Josh bit his finger and brought his other hand up to play with his messy hair, tugging on the curls there and tangling his hand in comfortingly. Tyler had seen a lot of people do that- it was definitely a comfort thing.

"When you say you were alone, do you mean literally or figuratively, Josh? Did you feel lonely?".

Josh didn't answer, staring distantly to the left of where Tyler sat. Tyler twisted slightly to look behind him to where Josh was watching, finding nothing interesting and realising he was probably reminiscing on something.

"Josh?"

" _Josh_. Josh, can you hear me?"

"Josh- hey- it's okay-"

Josh flinched and hid his face away with hands, sniffing and then wiping his nose, tucking his legs under himself. "What were you thinking Josh? Was it about your kidnapper?"

"I was- lonely. Mister… left me for long sometimes. I could be d-down there for days. It was… I was dirty and there w-was no t-toilet," he choked shamefully, as if it were his fault.

"…what was worse Josh? Being alone, or being with… Mister?" Tyler asked softly, rubbing his thumb across the pad of paper in a soothing motion, many patients liked the sound. Josh swallowed and looked at the pen, his hand twitching.

"Being alone... I just- I needed attention. I hated being alone. I'd... I'd _scream_ for him and that made him mad..."

Tyler changed the subject quickly in an attempt to prevent another flashback. "Would you like to draw something? Do you want my pen?" He held it out and Josh looked at him as if he were challenging him, but took it reluctantly.

He held the pen loosely, examining it and accepting the paper Tyler gave him. "What do I draw?"

"Anything you want to draw- it doesn't have to make sense,"

Josh hummed and pressed the pen on the paper, drawing a line down and frowning at it.

"When you were away, did you forget many things, Josh?"

Josh shrugged, scribbling on the paper erratically. "I forget. I don't know what it was like before..."

"Do you think you might need someone to help you... integrate back into normal life?"

Josh narrowed his eyes and breathed out heavily. " _Normal_ life? It will never be the same." He sneered, pressing the pen down harder and stabbing the paper, throwing it on the floor and then standing up. "I don't even know what normal is. I don't _want_ to." With that, he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Tyler could hear his family fawning over him and he sighed, closing his notebook and leaning down to pick up the paper and pen Josh dropped. He'd scratched out a portrait of the 'Mister Cruel'. Tyler could tell, because whenever the man had been described to police, he was wearing a black mask with zips. Josh had seen him unmasked, so why didn't he ever say about that, or draw that?

The door was opened again and Josh's dad joined him in the room, sitting on the seat Josh previously had.

"What happened?"

"I suggested bringing an occupational therapist in to help him adjust- he didn't like that idea," Bill grunted and scrubbed his face with his hand.

"Is he even getting better? How long does it take?"

It was exhausting trying to explain this to them over and over.

"Years. He's never going to get over it, or forget, but he can recover and start to live a normal life again."

"Right," he exhaled loudly and nodded, "I don't know how we're going to handle him. One moment he's locking himself away and the other he's acting like a spoilt brat with his bloody temper tantrums."

"He missed out on his childhood," Tyler pointed out tiredly.

-

Wednesday was Tylers day off from his scheduled appointments, so he spent his day cleaning his house up, and visiting his parents (mostly so his mom could cut his hair for him.)

"Hows work been?" His mom asked nonchalantly, running her fingers through his hair and pulling it tight as she snipped at it.

"Good. I've been seeing... Josh for a couple of weeks now."

"Josh? What's up with Josh, huh?" Tyler rolled his eyes and then closed them.

"you know it's confidential. I can't just give you information."

"Not even vague? You told me Dave saw you because he was sad."

"That's _obvious_ ," Tyler mumbled, looking up at her in the mirror and sighing. "You know the article they brought out about the boy who was kidnapped for nine years?"

"Oh, my god. Yes- I remember it now. How is he doing?" she gasped, and Tyler cringed as the scissors cut far too close to his ear.

"Well not _good_. Let's drop it now." She grumbled but finished his hair quickly, letting him stand to brush off all the stray hairs from his jumper and face.

He left the house an hour or so later, kissing both his parents goodbye and getting into his car, making the journey back home. When he got there ten minutes later, he fed his cat (not that he'd chosen to had a cat- his sister found her and forced her upon him) and settled himself on the couch with a bottle of expenive spanish wine named 'numanthia', pouring it into a glass and turning the television on.

That was usually how he spent his nights alone, with wine and a good movie; or just anything that was on TV.

He sighed into his drink and set it down on the coffee table, stretching his legs out onto it and resting his hands on his stomach.

Though he saw a varying amount of different people weekly, usually around five or six, a lot of his time was taken up by Josh, which made sense obviously, because he needed all the support avaliable. And he was glad they were finally getting somewhere- Josh was telling him things he'd never spoken out loud, horrible things that he'd kept hidden and made Tyler shiver.

Tyler didn't tell anyone those of course, he only had to take notes on Josh's emotions and tell the psychiatrist he worked by.

Deep in thought, he almost didn't hear the buzzing of his work phone that he always kept close. He did though, and jumped up to retrieve it. "Hello?"

"Tyler- it's Laura- I- we didn't know who else to call," she sounded panicked and Tyler felt a sense of dread.

"Laura? What's happened? Is Josh okay?"

"He… he's gone. He was upset and he kept on yelling and s-screaming and hitting his head- we tried to stop him and he left. I'm calling because he won't pick up his phone for me- but he might for you,"

"Of course, I'll- I'll give him a call right now. Thank you." He hung up and went through the list of contacts, his current regulars at the top, and chose to call Josh.

He let the phone ring, but here was no reply. He rang again, deciding that if he didn't pick up this time, he'd have them call the police.

Finally, finally, Josh picked up on the sixth ring, he didn't say anything, but Tyler could hear his shaking breaths and occasional whine.

"Josh- it's Tyler. I'm calling because I don't think you're safe right now. Would you like to talk about what's happening?"

Josh started to cry harder for a moment, before silencing completely.

"Josh?"

"Josh, it's okay if you don't want to talk. Sometimes people just like the silence-"

"Shut up. Just shut the fuck up okay?"

"...Josh, what's going on?"

"Just stop! I'm sick of… th-this bullshit okay? I'm sick of my fuck-fucking life. Just _shut up_."

Tyler gave him a moment of silence to calm down, glanced up at the clock, "where are you?"

Josh sniffled, "I'unno," then, "a store called… it says twenty four on. And a line and a seven."

"The twenty four-seven, okay, I'm going to call your parents and get them to go-"

"If- if you call my parents… I'll kill myself."

Tyler knew it was a hollow threat, but he couldn't take the risk, and it wasn't like Josh really understood the meaning of manipulation. It was all he knew. Normal.

Removing his gaze from the clock, he closed his eyes, "Okay. I'm coming. Stay there- and stay on the phone."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty short update for now  
> I hate this

When Tyler made it to the 24 hour garage, he couldnt see Josh, eventhough he'd just hung up on him a couple of minutes ago.

He thought Josh may have lied about his location, before he heard frustrated speech and someone crying. He looked over to the sound, a small dip in the wall of the building where Josh was looking up to a man in fear.

He walked over briskly and clapped a hand on the man's shoulder, finding him in uniform- he worked in the garage. "Hey Josh- what's going on?"

The worker sighed indignantly and shrugged Tylers hand off him, crossing his arms. "This boys been here for twenty minutes and he's scaring customers," he snapped.

"That's okay- I know him, you can go now." Tyler didn't wait for a reply, pushing so he was stood in front of Josh instead and getting to his knees.

"Hey- what's happening, hm?" It was evident that Josh was petrified, his entire body quivering, eyes red raw and spit dribbling down his lip and chin. Tyler could feel his professionalism slowly slipping away, but it was _different_. He'd never been called out like _this_ before.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No," Josh managed to choke out, his eyes watching Tyler and everything around them wearily.

"He just scared you?" Josh shrugged and Tyler pursed his lips. "Okay. Can you stand up? I'm going to take you home."

"I'm. Not. Going. Home." Josh growled, gritting his teeth and pressing further back into the wall.

"You need to go- where else is there?"

"There's nowhere. Theres nothing for me."

"Josh..."

"You know more a-about me than… most people. Right? You know there's no point."

Tyler rubbed his forehead, "What do you want to do Josh? Where can I take you? Where will you be safe?"

"Stop acting so… professional. _Stop_. Just…" Josh spat, narrowing his eyes and then relaxing his face, "you could take me with you..." he added quietly, looking hopeful. Tyler threw his hands up in exasperation, apologising when Josh jolted backwards.

"Fine- okay. I'll take you home, with me, alright? But you can't… you can't stay."

God. Fuck. Tyler was fucked. This was not professional and if Josh did say, Tyler would lose him as a client for sure. At that, Josh stood shakily, reluctantly using Tyler as a way to pull himself up.

Tyler escorted him to his car, unlocking it and opening the door for Josh. God, this shouldn't be happening.

-

Tyler leaned against the kitchen counter, watching Josh sit himself on the couch and look around his house, chewing on his fingers and tugging on a lock of his hair.

His hand twitched as he looked longingly at his phone. He should call Josh's parents, but that could end badly. This was for Josh's mental stability, he tried to reassure himself, and Josh isn't a child.

Tyler took a glass from the cupboard, filling it with coke and looking at Josh who eyed the bottle of wine still on the table. He cleared his throat and held the coke out to Josh. "What's this?"

Oh. "Oh. It's coke- it's like a fizzy drink. It's nice, I promise."

"Coke? Like… the drug?" Josh asked, staring at the beverage in doubt and taking it when Tyler corrected himself- 'no-coca cola.'

He drank it, eyebrows furrowing and swishing it around his mouth, giving a quiet moan of approval. "I like that- can I have more?"

"You've not even finished it."

"Right." Josh obviously had problems with hoarding and taking more than he needed- he'd never had anything of his own. His body wasn't even his own.

"I'll give you some to take home." Josh attempted a smile before he started to weep again.

Tyler sat next to him, careful to not get too close. "What's upsetting you?"

Josh laughed bitterly, "everything." He tugged the fabric of his jumper so his hands were in it and rested his arm on the couch, putting his head on it and sniffing.

"I just wanna… know why. Nine years- there's no point in being here when I can't even…leave the house."

"You did tonight,"

"Yeah- only cause everyone was bugging me and…" he trailed off and turned his face to hide it.

"You're making a lot of progress- you are. I've known people who took years to start doing what you have."

"Can you not be a therapist for a second?"

"Okay."

Josh didn't say anything else, letting his eyes wander about the room in a peaceful way for a minute.

"The worst part was when he… they call it- r-rape?" Tyler looked at him sadly, "Yeah."

"That was bad. And he did lots to me- he. My backs all burnt and cut. And he broke my arm- I can't lift anything and my wrist'll never work but… When he put... things in me.." Josh shuddered and chewed his lips.

"I'm sorry."

"It made- it makes me feel so _disgusting_ … it did at first but after some time I didn't know anything else. But now I just feel… used. I'm not normal."

Tyler shook his head and inched closer to him, "That's not you anymore. You're here now, and you never have to see him again- and you can start over, and meet someone you like and-"

He was cut off when Josh sat up and smacked his lips on his. Tyler yelped, startled and pushed him back.

"Josh…"

"I like you. Please- I like you- let me make you happy- i can-" Josh was climbing onto his lap and Tyler had to stand to get him off, looking at him in shock.

"Don't be mad- please don't be angry at me, I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_!"

"I'm going to call your mom." Tyler stated sharply, ignoring when Josh protested


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry again this is another short fIller typer chapter and they probably will be for another couple, just for extra development and to start their relationship. But please keep reading!!

"Please- don't call them. Don't call my parents- _Tyler_!" Josh was on the verge of screaming, his voice ragged and cracking, crawling To Tyler, clinging to his legs and scratching them through his jeans.  
"Don't do it!"

Tyler pressed call and put it on loud speaker so he could try to calm Josh down without dropping the phone.  
"Josh- you need to calm down-"

"Hello?"  
"Mrs Joseph! I've got Josh here with me."  
Josh went silent and looked up at him with large, wet eyes, pawing weakly at his legs and breathing heavily.  
"You have? Oh my God- is he okay?"  
"He's upset. And he's… yeah. He's really in a bad way." Tyler stopped himself from telling her about the incident when Josh mouthed 'nonono' desperately. "I've had a talk with him and I think he's calming down but…"

"Thank you."

Tyler had sent her the address of a nearby shop rather than his house and put his head in his hands.

"Please- I. I c-can't go with them," Josh hiccuped, his hands falling into his lap, looking pathetic and feeling vunerable on the floor.

"You can-you will. I said you couldn't stay here and… Josh, come on, get up."  
Tyler held his hand out and Josh shook his head, picking himself up and wrapping his arms protectively around himself.  
"I'm sorry- I had to call them."

Josh refused to acknowledge him, and didn't say another word even when Tyler took him outside into the cold, or when his dad pulled up in a fancy car looking positively infuriated. Josh didn't even flinch.

-

Josh stared at his mom- no, Laura and Bill, stoicly as they gave him a half-hearted lecture on running off and not being safe. He didn't care. It didn't even matter. _He didn't matter._

He couldn't focus on anything they said, he didn't want to anyway, because he could feel _him_ in the room. Stalking him and waiting for the right moment to pounce. Waiting for him to fuck up.

_He'd been alone for days. Or weeks. He never knew- there wasn't a calander or clock, there was just being consious and being unconcious._

_And he hurt. All over. His back was burnt, the skin mangled and the room smelt of flesh. It was like he could feel all the germs and flies mingling on it, eating it away until it was a grimy, puss covered mess._

_He was bound by his arms and legs, and a heavy metal collar pressed against his neck, chaining him to a fixation on the wall._

_He was thirsty- his throat was so dry and it hurt to breathe. And hungry. His stomach cramped, and he tried to curl in on himself to dull the pain, only succeeding in pulling his arms and legs painfully._

_He had a piece of cloth tied tightly around his head, in his mouth, that chafed his skin and the corners of his mouth agonisingly. He'd tried endlessly to get it off, pushing his tongue out and biting on it, crying around it. And finally, finally, it was coming loose, it was moving as he thrashed his head and he cried out with joy when it became untied at the back, slipping off him._

_He let his mouth hang open, panting loudly, spit covering the bottom of his face. His tongue came out to lick at his lips and soothe at the cut edges of his mouth._

_He heard a footstep and began trembling, swallowing convulsively, turning his head as much as possible without winding himself._

_He spotted Mister lurking in the corner, and a heavy duffle bag was thrown at his head. He groaned quietly and looked up to where it landed, opening and it's contents spilling out._

_They were his toys. The ones he used to torture Josh since day one. Things he called dildos and whips and then metal bars and things with spikes on, all things that terrified him to the core, paralysed at the taunting laughs of him._

_"P-please- ple-please, no- no- I'm s-sorry-"_  
_He was hushed by the icy glare he got. He wasn't wearing his mask today, and that always meant bad things._

-

When he woke up, he was in one of the hospital beds that made his face and hair and legs and arms itch. 

Arms. They hasn't gave him a jacket. He was practically  _naked. God- why was he naked?_

Immediately, he felt a surge of panic and pulled the blanket around him tightly, sitting up and cowering under the covers, making sure no patch of ugly ugly  _ugly_ skin could be seen.

It was dark, no lights on except for an annoying machine he wasn't even hooked up to, and a TV that said he had to pay to watch. What use was that?

And dark- he noticed that before. He  _hated_ the dark. Why did they turn the lights off? Anyone could hide. But he couldn't bring himself to move.

Where was everyone? They'd probably abandoned him because they had no use for him.

He couldn't stand the darkness anymore, so he slid off the end of the bed and stood, his legs threatening to give in and let him fall down. 

He stumbled to the wall near the door, flicking the light on and sighing in relief when the room was flooded in white light, and he was safe again. 

He brushed his hand against the handle of the door, and opened it slowly, enough to peek his head out and look around. There was no one near the room, but down the hall there was his desk where his parents stood talking to the receptionist.

Part of him wanted to make a run for it, but he was wearing a hospital gown and- 

And.

He was wearing a hospital gown. He was sure he hadnt been before, meaning they'd  _undressed_ him. Took his clothes to leave him  _humiliated_ and helpless.

They'd seen his most private parts, skin he never wanted to be touched or seen again and they'd done exactly that and it made him  _so fucking mad._ And for a moment, he wanted to pick up the scissors that were on the shelf and  _stab them until they choked on their own blood._

But the he just felt dizzy and nauseous, and he couldn't help when he vomited onto the once pristine floor, almost falling in it  _like a dirty boy._

He couldn't stop puking, his stomach mostly empty and it was coming out as acid that burnt his throat and made his head spin, the smell making him even more sick.

He'd made a mess. He was so messy.

He got to the floor and pulled himself under the bed, thwacking his head on the metal bars, his skull stinging and sore  _and he couldn't get away. He needed to be away._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual update. Sorry I'm just losing my shit over this blurryface stuff.  
> Leave feedback. It's my sustenance.

Tyler saw Josh every day for the next week, his parents were hoping that he'd be able to get him to talk, but he just wouldn't. He stared at Tyler like he'd offended him, then his expression would change to one of terror.  
He recommended that Josh should be in a psychiatric ward where they can take care of him, but they protested wildly, insisting they would if he really needed it.

He already did need to be cared for in a hospital, but because he wasn't physically harmed they couldn't see it.  
He was supposed to be on medications, but he didn't take them because he was sure they'd kill him. He wasn't sure whether to take that as a good sign he wasn't going to top himself anytime soon, or a bad one that he was so emotionally impaired that he believed simple things would harm him.

And Tyler knew he should have told Josh's parents about the incident. He felt guilty and he was sure Josh was just acting on past occurrences with the way he said 'let me make you happy' and begged and pleaded.

Josh was damaged. He didn't know what he was doing, so he pushed it aside.

"Josh! Come down stairs baby, Tyler is here!" Josh's mother was calling him from the bottom of the stairs, and Tyler could imagine Josh burrowed safely in his blankets, hiding from the world like he always did. Ignoring everyone.  
"I'm sorry, he's been like this lately… well, you know," she sighed, shaking her head.  
"Here, let me-" Bill stepped up a couple of steps and bellowed, "Josh! Get down here!"  
Tyler cringed, hearing the floorboards creaking and Josh's door opening, him running obediently down the stair case, mumbling a mantra of ' _sorrysorrysorry_ ' the whole way.

Tyler made a note to speak to Josh's dad about that. Couldn't he see that Josh only submitted because he was man and he terrified his son?

Josh crawled quietly onto the couch, sitting in the far corner and eyeing his dad who walked back into the kitchen with his wife, closing the door so Tyler could talk to him.

"How are you feeling today?" Tyler asked quietly. Josh was tense, his jaw set and eyes focused on the rug near his feet.  
"Have you been taking your medication?"  
"How about food- how have you been eating?"  
"Okay… Does your dad scare you?"  
Josh's eyes snapped up for a moment, but he quickly switched his gaze.

"M'sorry."  
"What?"  
Josh bit his lips, picking at the skin if his thumb, "I said- t-that I'm sorry."  
His voice was cracking after not being used in some time.  
Tyler knew exactly what he was talking about but still asked, "What are you sorry about?"  
Josh looked up then, a gleam of hope in his eyes, and now Tyler was worrying that Josh took it as ' _you shouldn't be sorry, I wanted to kiss you.'_  
And… Maybe he didn't mind. But Josh didn't want it.

"For- for- Kissing you." Josh hushed, eyes flickering to the door as he leaned forward so Tyler could hear.  
Tyler tapped his pen on the leather binding of his notebook and nodded.  
"Okay… Why did you?"  
He didn't feel like he was pushing a boundary. It was a valid question, not just for his own gratification.

Josh flushed, struggling to get his words out and stumbling over them when he did, "because- cos. I-I like you- you… are the only one who cared. A-and… I think I love you…"

Tyler pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes and trying to brace himself. This was going to be hard.

"Josh… I don't think you love me."

Josh nodded, looking dumbfounded, "course I do. I know it."

"No- you… you have a skewed view of love."

Josh clenched his fist, his face turning red- this time in anger.  
"NO! Y-you don't understand!"  
And then he was sad again, curling up on the couch and not responding to anything else.

Tyler stood, gathering his belongings, and made his way out of the room to join Tylers parents.  
They looked at him expectantly, clasping their hands together in hope- _is our son all better now?_

"I have something to tell you both."  
Immediately, Mrs Dun covered her mouth and sat at the dining table.  
"It's... I felt that I should let you know that. Josh kissed me and… suggested other things."  
Mrs Dun's mouth fell open and Mr Dun clenched his fists tightly, then unfurled them, perhaps realising it wasn't Tylers fault.  
"He… kissed you?"

"Yes. I believe It may have been because he felt the need to… submit."  
None of them had anything else to say, Tyler was glad that they didn't ask when, and they dismissed him, vaguely saying they'd let him know what they were going to do.

Tylers stomach twisted when he walked back through the seating area to the front door, Josh looked at him, betrayed. Hurt.

-

Tyler got a call the next day.  
"Hello?"  
"Oh- Doctor Joseph. It's Josh's mother. I'm calling to say that we've decided it's best Josh doesn't have your services anymore… after what you told us, we think… We don't want what that man did to him to skew his vision on… relationships and sexuality."  
Tyler swallowed dryly, "Oh… so. So you're hiring someone else, right?"  
"Yes- we've got someone else."  
"Okay. That's..."  
"Thank you, Tyler."  
And she hung up. Tyler didn't know what to feel.

-

Josh never felt so lonely- so _isolated_ in his life.

His parents told him two whole days after his last appointment that they got rid of Tyler, found someone else, found someone cheaper.  
Josh didn't need anyone else. He needed Tyler.

They took his phone when he tried texting Tyler, leaving him with nothing. He had nothing.

His new therapist scared him shitless. He had gray hair and blue eyes and sat too close to Josh. He hated him. He didn't love him like he loved Tyler- so Tyler was wrong. He didn't understand. No one did.

This was worse than all those years locked in a basement with his own filth and blood and  _Mister._

He found himself laying in his bed. His room was always hot but he always kept his shirt, jumper, joggers and socks on. He hated seeing his own flesh. And he smelt bad because he was used to that. That's what he did best. Sit around uselessly, waiting for something to happen.

He had an idea though. He had lots of ideas. It was a struggle, dragging himself out of the covers that _bound_ him to the bed, but he did it and he found himself walking to the bathroom.  
He began seaching. He knew they were there, they were-

And there they were. The copious amount of pills that he was given, but didn't take. _Mister_ always told him they'd kill him. Just one was fatal and he was always right. Always.

He only felt a small pang of fear when popped the lid and dropped two pills into his hand.

He turned the tap on, putting the pill on his tongue, bent down and let a spray of water in his mouth. He swallowed. Waited. And didn't die.  
Confused, he swallowed the other pill.  
And he wasn't dead yet. Why wasn't he dead? _Mister_ wasn't a liar. He wasn't a _fucking_ liar.

So he repeated himself, again and again and again, until he started to feel the familiar nausea and cramping, and he sat himself on the floor. He didn't dramatically fall. He just went to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty boring chapter but an update none the less. Wrote it at a party whilst trying to not vomit from new medication and people  
> Thank you all so much for your comments and ideas on the last chapter. Seriously. I'm so grateful. If anyone ever wants to talk and needs someone to vent to just ask and I'll give you my IG. I want everyone to be happy.
> 
> Next chapter will focus more on Tyler I think.
> 
> (I actually hate this so much. I don't know why I'm writing it.)

Josh's parents took his overdose lightly after being told it was normal. His dad thought he was seeking attention and his mom had nothing to say except she was glad he was okay. As long as he was normal he was fine.

He just wanted to know why he didn't die like he was told he would. He tried so hard- he must have done something wrong. He was so dumb. Why couldn't he do anything right? It was so fucking simple. _What the fuck was wrong with him?_

The thing he worried most about, however, was his counsellor. The stupid goddamned counsellor. A counsellor wasn't even the same thing as a psychotherapist, Josh searched it up, so that was one of the reasons this wasn't helping.

And he made him so un-nerved. He sat so close Josh could almost feel his breath, and it made his own lungs stop. He didn't say anything for long periods of time, just staring.   
He had glasses and ugly hair, always wore a suit and trousers that were too short. Brown leather shoes. He talked about his wife. Josh didn't care about his _stupid_ wife.

Josh wanted to tell his mom. He wanted to tell her that he was terrified of this man- this stranger. That he made him feel sick. Made him think of _Mister Cruel_.

He was staring at him right now. He didn't sit beside him this day, sat across from him and observed like he was an animal in the hospital bed that he had to stay in.  
He kept making these breathy noises, as if he was agreeing with something, and it made Josh squirm uncomfortably.

"I think it would be good if we talked about _Mister Cruel_ , don't you think?"  
No. Josh didn't think that would be good, but he always wanted to talk about it, even when it made him shut down.  
"I-I want to talk about… Tyler." He dared argue, flicking his eyes up to see Dave's reaction.   
"Tyler? The man your parents told me about?"  
"Yeah..."

Dave sighed and shifted, sitting one leg on top of the other in a masculine pose.  
"He took advantage of your weak state. We all agree that because of your influences, you can't know your sexuality, and you can't know what love is, Josh, it's just-"

"No. Fuck- i just want to talk about him! Can I talk about him?"  
Dave stayed silent, and Josh took that as a chance. "Thank you," he snapped, then regretted it. Dave could punish him- why wouldn't he? Josh wasn't _better_ than him. "S-sorry. Sorry- I just wanna to talk about him… I know everyone thinks that I can't feel properly because I was… away for long. But it's not how I felt with... him. It's different. People thinks it's dumb 'cus I havent known him too long, but he's kind to me."

He was thankful he finally got that out. He'd spent years believing he was in love with Mister, and this was different. Of course he knew what the fuck he felt.

"So… you love him because he hasn't hurt you?"

Josh groaned in frustration and hit his temple with his fist, gritting his teeth when Dave wrote it down.  
"No. I just do. You wouldn't understand- no one would."  
He looked at Josh skeptically and then the silence began again.   
Josh played with his fingers, feeling his stomach twist in a not good way. He didn't want to be here.  
Why would anyone leave him with this man?

-

"Josh, baby, we're going home now, okay? Is that okay?"  
His mother was always looking for reassurance. She wanted to be good enough for him. Josh wished she'd just tell him what to do.

"Yeah." He mumbled, sliding off the bed and readying himself. He was in his own clothes now, he didn't really have a sense of style that was his own, so he wore what his sister bought for him. It was jeans and a jumper, because of course he wasn't going to show his _ugly_ body. Not to anyone.

"Where's my… dad?"

"He's out with your siblings so it's just us two," she smiled, folding a jacket over her arm and opening the door for him, as if he were disabled.

He shuffled through them and they exited the hospital after having been there for two days, to assess him and make sure he wasn't going to do anything else. Like they cared.

They were in the car on the way back home, and Josh cleared his throat.  
"… mom. I was thinking… I. I really dislike Dave. I-I know I'm costing you so much- but i think I'd like to see someone else."

She gripped the steering wheel tightly, looking conflicted.   
"Josh… your dad thinks he's what's best. He's… firm and had more experience than _you know who_."

And okay, that frustrated him. They didn't call Tyler 'Tyler' as if he'd hurt him, as if the mention of him would give him a flashback, but he was the only thing Josh had ever adored, yet they ignored his feelings on Dave.

His nostrils flared as he grew more angry, silently, trying not to blow his top when they were in a car.  
"Fuck. I don't understand you guys- treating me like a fucking child- I'm nineteen, you said, and I'm the only one who knows what goes on inside my fucking head- not you! Let me out of the fucking car-" he gritted, taking his seat belt off even though they were still driving.

She was shocked, nervous, discreetly locking all the doors and speeding up.  
"Josh- calm down-"  
"Let me _out_!" He kicked his feet out against the dashboard, not aware of how much he looked like a child having a tantrum. He wasn't.

"No! Stop that! Sit- Josh- sit down!"

He huffed and fell back, banging his fists against his temples and then putting his face in his hands.   
"I'm going to have your father have a word with you. You can't act like this Josh. It's ridiculous." She dared say, eyeing him incase he lashed out.

Why did she threaten him like that? What would his dad do to him? He could hurt him badly. He was bigger than Josh. Older.

He wanted Tyler. Tyler would make him better- he said so himself


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few things.   
> First off FUCK MY LIFE HOW GOOD WERE THE REMIXES TØP DID WITH MUTEMATH man I love it, the styles they did were much more like what I usually listen to (kinda. I'm into Ska and stuff so yeah.)  
> Also, I'm incorporating some ideas I got off you guys into my story but I feel like I'm not writing it well enough. Just let me know what I can do.  
> Kinda short chapter again. 
> 
> And finally, just a reminder that if anyone wants to talk I have an instagram, just ask for it, and also a tumblr (le0oxx)

Tyler adjusted the tail of his coat, shifting in his seat so he sat on it and then tapping his fingers nervously on the table.

He was on his first date in what felt like years- it may have been one or two, actually. Understandably, he was nervous, mostly because the man he was seeing was a friend of an old client, he hoped it wouldn't be strange.

Tyler was there fifteen minutes early to get the seats and calm his nerves with a glass of the wine he'd bought, staring at it and watching the swirl of it in hopes it would settle his unsteady heartbeat.

He sighed and checked his watch before looking up. It had turned 9pm which was the time Gary agreed to meet him.

His breathing hitched as he saw Gary walking past the window, looking him and waving at him.    
Tyler didn't actually know him very well, they'd only met twice and he hardly spoke to him, but he was kind of desperate. He was a good looking man, dark hair and light eyes, relatively short in height but stocky.

"Hey," Tyler breathed, standing up to give the other a hug, patting his back and pulling away to sit again.

"Hey, Tyler. Nice to see you again." Gary grinned easily, sitting himself down and placing his elbows on the table. "Did you just get here?"

"Yeah, just a minute ago" Tyler lied, tapping his feet under the table and then gesturing to the menu. "You want to order?"

-

It was only five minutes in that Tyler could feel his mind slipping away from the conversation. It wasn't going good, finding it hard to focus on the words and instead reading his body language, picking up on lies and when his mind wandered.

When the lunch was over, Tyler paid graciously, earning himself a kiss on the cheek and the two got to leave, stopping outside.

"Tyler, I had a really nice night tonight but…"

And of course. There it was. Tyler was too enveloped in his own world, his work and clients, he found it hard to connect to people without knowing their deepest secrets and that just wasn't what Gary was looking for, was it?

"But I think this might not… work. But… I mean we could, y'know, go to your place?"  
Gary raised an eyebrow suggestively, brushing a hand on Tylers arm and stepping closer.   
Tyler knew this was what he wanted from the start- he studied people for years, how could he not? But he still acted just the right amount of shocked, biting his lips and sighing quietly.

"Yeah, okay, let's go." He gave a feigned smile and directed Gary to his car.

Tyler wasnt interested in _just sex_. He didn't even think he'd enjoy it with the little amount of knowledge he had on Gary, but he could tell it may be a bad idea to give a straight up no. Some people don't handle rejection well. Plus… he hadnt had sex with a person in a while.

On the drive to his home, Tyler had to take a longer route, the usual way was blocked up by traffic and what Tyler assumed to be an accident of some sort.  
He set for taking a road that was surrounded mostly by greenery behind the housing estates there, speeding up from his nerves and trying not to show how put down he actually felt.

It was when he neared the end of the road he had to stop, something catching in the headlights and his peripheral vision.  
He slowed down, Gary giving him a look of confusion as he unbuckled his seat belt.  
"Right here?"

"No, I saw something." Tyler mumbled, opening the door after discreetly taking the key out of the ignition, and climbing out, walking over to a small cluster of bushes when he realised that what he saw was a person, and said person was Josh.

"Josh? What the hell…?"

Josh had himself wrapped tightly in a green woolen blanket, clagged in dirt and dead leaves, looking up at Tyler in distress but relief.

"One second, one sec," Tyler rushed back to the car and leaned over the seat to speak to the man in his car.

"I'm really sorry, but I know this guy, I need to help him."

Gary rolled his eyes and readied himself to get out, "a patient right? Couldn't just have a good night," he said bitterly, standing on the gravel road and not waiting for an answer. "Whatever. Thanks for the food- there's no point in seeing each other again, Tyler. Bye."

Tyler exhaled loudly, closing his eyes to gather his thoughts. Whatever. It wasn't even a big deal. He didn't need to have sex with someone tonight. 

He turned on his heel to face Josh then, still watching him from the ground.  
"Would you like to get in the car? We can go to mine- to just talk, okay?"

Josh sniffled and nodded, hoisting himself up and never letting go of that scratchy looking blanket, that Tyler now recognised as his own.  
"Hey- is that my blanket? When did you even get that?"

"Las' time I was at your h-house..." Josh murmured, getting in the back seat and lying on them instead of sitting in the front.

Tyler started the car, looking in the mirror at Josh cautiously before continuing on his way to his house with Josh, instead of someone to fuck.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow another pointless disappointing chapter
> 
> Ugh
> 
>  
> 
> (My tumblr is le0oxx)

"So, why'd you run away from home at this time? At…" Tyler looked at the vintage clock on the wall, "at ten?"

Josh wasn't crying anymore, though it seemed like every time Tyler saw him he was.  
"Needed away… My… I had a bad day, my dad W-will. When he's back, he'll…" Josh shuddered and wrapped himself in his own arms.

"Your dad won't hurt you. They care about you Josh. They spent nine years looking for you, missing you. They thought you were dead." Tyler said softly, crossing a leg over the other, in a feminine stance,though, which put Josh at ease.

"I don't... I just w-wanted away."

"Okay. Well, I'm sure you could stay the night? Won't your parents notice you're gone...?"

"Mama is asleep. B-Bill was working." Josh choked out, already laying down on the couch, rubbing his nose in the blanket. "Lay with me?"

Tyler considered this, but decided on it definitely being a good idea when Josh whimpered a little 'please', pleading with teary eyes.

He shuffled on to the small space left in front of Josh, about to turn so his back faced him until Josh wrapped his arms around his middle and pressed his face into his chest. He thought, maybe he should stop him, perhaps this was wrong but...  
He wasn't a client and he wasn't underage. Just vunerable.   
"Need you."  
He needed Tyler.

-

Josh was already awake, staring at the ceiling when Tyler was woken up by Josh's phone ringing, being flooded with texts and calls.   
"pick it up," Tyler moaned groggily, nuzzling his cheek on Josh's arm and then gasping a 'sorry' when he realised what he was doing.

Josh held back the imminent squeal of joy and picked his phone up, hesitantly pressing it to the side of his face but not saying anything.

"Josh? Is that you?"

He sighed, moved his arm so he was in a more comfortable position, Tyler watching him, "Yeah."

"Oh my god- what the _hell_ Josh? Where are you? Why did you leave? You cant keep doing this! You're not being safe!"  
  
Josh let her ramble, instead focusing on how Tylers warm body fit against his. Part of him wanted to squirm away from the mans touch, the other wanted to hold him closer and breathe him in.

"Josh?"

"Yes. Yes. I'm fine. I-I had to get away for a while, that's all. I'm really sorry- I am. I'm just… I came to Tylers house." He admitted, pulling a face at the yelling that ensued.

" _Tylers_?! Josh, what the hell are you doing there?" He heard fumbling and an angry voice- Bills.  
"No- don't put him on- please, I'll let you pick me up-"  
"I'm not putting him on, just… we're coming to get you. And we're going to have a serious talk, Josh, you can't... you can't do this to us, okay?"   
Her voice grew softer, concerned and afraid.  
"Okay."

He let his phone drop and put his arm over his eyes, anxious and embarrassed and depressed. That's what Dave said he was.

Tyler shifted beside him, checking on his own phone awkwardly.

"Do you still don't believe I love you?" Josh asked, cringing because he knew he got his words wrong, but sometimes that just happened and he couldn't stop it.

Tyler sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly, "I don't know. I don't think so- I'm sorry, but…"

"I know. I get it." Josh said quietly, shifting and managing to get himself off the sofa, cracking his neck and biting his fingers. "Thanks for letting me stay, I'm... my parents are gonna come get me."

"Josh, just sit down. Let's talk, right?"

He agreed of course, sitting again on the edge of the seat and scratching his hair. He'd had it cut a while ago, but it clung to his head in messy curls, made him look younger he thought.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't stay with you, to help you- how's your new therapist, anyway?"

"Horrible. He's _awful_ \- I hate him, he makes me so sad and he's scary," Josh let himself seethe, glad someone was finally asking him. "He's so old and he just… stares. He makes me think of. Of… with the grey hair, he reminds me…"

Tyler placed a comforting hand on Josh's back, "It's okay. Have you told your mom?"

"Yeah. She said I have to have him- threatened me. I…" Josh sniffed, "I just hate this. I wish I had you, I _needed_ you."

Tyler felt so conflicted. He knew this- this was what they taught him in school. People become attached easily, think they're in love and all is well but… it was so convincing. Tyler needed love. He wanted loved, too.

That's why he was calm and not acting against it when Josh touched his thigh and pushed a kiss onto his cheek, his face shy and hopeful.  
"I really love you," he whispered, "I swear I do."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me I'm good. Tell me this is good please. I want it to be good.

"I don't wanna come shopping," Josh whined, kicking the back of the passanger seat and not even caring when his dad scolded him.  
He felt happy- he'd never felt so happy, so _wanted_.

Tyler didn't push him away. Didn't tell him that Josh didn't love him- he hugged him and how could Josh miss when Tyler pecked his forehead before he left? Tyler loved him. He _did_ , didn't he?

"Stop it, Josh. You need clothes and don't you want to decorate your room, hm?"

Josh huffed, because obviously he wanted stuff, he never had anything, he was just anxious about having to go out, having to be around people.

"Whatever." He mumbled, looking at the things passing by the window of the car.  
Too soon, they were pulling into a parking spot and loading themselves out of the bulky car, Josh felt like he was going to pass out.

"Did you take your medication?" His mom must have noticed the woozy look he taken on, the way he swayed just slightly.  
"Yes."   
It wasn't a lie, mostly. He'd not taken the pills for his nausea, or his pain, but managed the others.

She hummed anyway, still looking at him with concern, beginning to guide him through the back entrance of a shopping centre that made his head spin.

They ventured into a clothing shop that was mercifully lacking customers, Josh being held tightly by his arm by his mother with his dad- Bill- lagging behind.

"What about these?" She picked up a pair of tan trousers, and Josh scrunched his nose up.

"No. I like… I like those," he pointed to a pair of black jeans that had a hole in the knee, faltering when he remembered the jagged scar he had below his knee cap from when Mister experimented on him.  
 _He was only fourteen_ -

"Josh, not here baby, okay? Not now- we don't need to remember, alright? Do you want them?"

Josh's heart palpatated and he let out a shaking breath.  
"Yeah- please,"   
She picked them up and flung them over her arm, and Josh picked out another three pairs of trousers until they got to the section with the shorts.  
He wanted some- he'd seen another man walking in a pair whilst on the way, he looked cool. He looked… good. Tyler would like it. He would- but Josh had ugly legs. Discoloured skin and burns…

"I want- can I have these?"  
He brushed his hand over a black pair, that were tight fitting.  
"Well… of course- but… don't you think they're a little, I don't know. Revealing?"

Josh sunk into himself immediately, nodding his agreement and staring pointedly at the scruffy floor. Too revealing. Too gay. She wouldn't like that because he wasn't gay- it was all he knew, right?   
"I'll get them- I'll get them, okay?"

He wasn't interested in anything after that, just accepting anything he got and nodding at a few things.  
He didn't even have his own style. What was the point?

His dad was pissed off at his 'ignorance' as he called it, forcing them to leave early despite his mother's quiet grumbles.

So, Josh was entirely ready to go without protest until they stumbled by a shop that caught his eye. He stopped, looking in the window wonderingly.

It was a music store, posters of scary men with coloured hair and tattoos, guitars hanging on the wall and Josh wanted in.

"Can we go in?"  
"I don't know…"  
"Please- please, I just want to look!"  
"Fine," she sighed, "we'll just… let you look around for a minute okay?"

He stepped into it, hearing his dad say something like 'you shouldn't let him…' but he didn't hear anything after that, finding a stand with a sign saying 'vinyl' and a bunch of cases with bands on them.

His hands filtered over them all, stopping on a band he'd heard of before- 'the clash'. He liked a song by them he remembered, so he picked it up and showed it to his mom.  
She took it out of his hands with a frown, looking over it and Josh skipped away, noticing a corner full of instruments and heading towards it.

He let his hands run over a black guitar, then a microphone- wishing he had a good voice to sing with.   
The thing that held his attention, however, was a set of drums that were set up, a small seat behind them.

He sat on the seat, liking the way it bounced a little, and held his breath as he put his foot on a floor peddle, pressed it down and smiled at the deep sound that echoed in the drum.

He experimentaly tapped and hit the various pieces of the set with a pair of sticks that he found, not stopping until he felt a hand on his shoulder, trying hard to not flinch but he did anyway.  
"We should go now,"

Josh put the sticks down slowly and turned, "Right now?"  
His dad nodded sternly, his mother sympathetically.   
"But- but I really like these-"  
"Josh." That was his dad.  
"No! _Please_ \- let's just stay a bit-"  
"Josh," Bill hissed, looking around in embarrassment as Josh began to make a scene.  
"Please! Just let me have some! I'll never ask for- for anything ever-"  
" _Joshua_!"

Josh's mouth dropped open and he fell into a deafening silence, bringing his hands up to his head to cover his ears when his mom started talking.  
He couldn't hear her- he heard nothing. It was like his head was being dunked into a bucket of cold water, and his lungs were filling with it- it was dirty and burned his eyes-

"Josh- please not here. Please."  
"Bill- why did you say that? You know-"

Josh wasn't there anymore.

_Josh was in the dimly lit basement, his head being held into a pail of ice water, hand fisted in his hair, being shoved into from behind._   
_He'd be let up every time Mister felt like it, "you like that? You like that Joshua?" He taunted._   
_"No!" Josh wailed, squirming uselessly, gasping._   
_"Shut up- tell me you love it-" a harsh tug, a squeal,_   
_"I-I love it! Please!"_

"It's okay- Josh, it's okay baby,"  
He was on the floor, looked up dazedly finding he'd fell off the chair and there was a small gathering of people around them.  
"Momma- please…"   
"We'll get you the drums- look; your dad's already paying for them, see?"  
Josh managed a look up where his dad was talking to someone in black, handing over money and turning to give Josh a fake smile.  
Josh knew _that smile_. That meant-

"It's arriving tomorrow- they're delivering it to the house."  
"Does that make you happy Josh? It was _really_ expensive" She didn't say it in a malicious way, to guilt him, just looking to be reassured, praised.

"Can we go now?" He asked weakly, allowing himself to be lifted up from the floor, but not carried like a baby.

He stopped talking to anyone for the rest of the night, falling on his bed in his day clothes, drifting into a disturbed sleep.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty pointless chapter.

Josh couldn't stop shaking, anxiety and feelings of _'I don't deserve this I don't deserve this I don't deserve this'_ making his head spin as the delivery man hauled four giant packages through the front door.

He felt like throwing up. He shouldn't be getting this- he wasn't worth it. That was over $800 worth of kit, just for him. He wanted it so badly- he loved playing them in the store. Had he not kicked up a fuss, he wouldnt be getting them, the unsure looks of everyone in the house, his mom hoping this would make him better. Fuck- why was he so _stupid_? So _horrible_? So _needy_?

"Josh! Baby, your drums are here!"

Josh swallowed the vomit that filled his mouth and began descending the stair case, looking around the banister to make sure the strange man was gone before stepping into the seating area, where his mom looked lost amongst the boxes.

"How do you feel? Does this make you happy?" She asked nervously, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.  
"I feel… Y-yeah, thank you," then "I'm really sorry- I don't deserve this- please send it back-"  
"Josh-"  
"Please, give it back, I can't take this-"  
"Josh, stop it-"  
"No- P-please give it to-"  
" _Josh_."

The stern voice of a male stopped his panicked rambling, covering his face and hyperventilating into his hands.

"Josh, we got this for you. We want you to have it alright? You… you deserve this."  
Coming from his dad, that did calm him. If his dad was thinking that way, then he should too.

"Okay- okay," he whispered shakily, removing his hands and using it to wipe his nose, before getting to his knees on the floor and reaching for one of the boxes. He paused, clearing his throat, "could… you sit down?"  
He hated being on his knees around men.

His dad shifted awkwardly but sat down, as did his mom, and he set to tearing the packaging, wincing at the pain shooting through his arms that still hasn't fully healed.

"Here, I've got a knife," his mom said, warily handing him them and letting him get to work getting his drums ready.

-

It took three hours to set his gift up, two arguments and one panic attack before Josh was perched happily on the stool that they placed in his room, looking at the drums in front of him and then back to his phone. He was watching video tutorials, he'd learnt what drums were what and where to put them, but he needed to learn a basic beat, apparently.

He learnt co-ordination quickly, managing to keep a steady beat on the base drum whilst hitting the symbol and snare at different times.

It took him an hour before he knew how to play the typical rock beats, and he'd never felt so proud. It sounded great- it was so loud, which usually scared him, but he felt at peace with it.

He was buzzing, needed to boast to someone about his success that wasn't with him constantly. His dad was at work, his sisters and brother were always out at work or school, his mom was in but she had to say it was good and Josh was sick of her popping in his room to compliment him.

His stomach twisted as he went through the short list of contacts in his phone, grimacing at the 'Dave' at the top, tempted to just delete it. He couldn't, everyone would be so dissapointed.

Instead, he sent a message to Tyler. It got deleted by his parents, but Josh had the number memorised.

'Hey' Josh sent, tapping a rim as he waited for a reply.  
Tyler; ' _Oh josh_ '  
Tyler; ' _Hi_ '

Josh bit his lips, typing out 'wanna come over?' Before he could change his mind, adding on 'please.'

Instead of a text back, Tyler rang him and Josh picked up straight away.  
"What's up?"  
"Nothing- I'm good, it's just… I want to show you something,"  
"Um. I'm not sure…"  
"No- it's nothing like… that. I just. I got drums today- and like. I was thinking you'd maybe like to come and… Nevermind. I'm not even good- sorry, Tyler-"  
"No- I'll come, that's so cool, Josh. I'll be there, but just meet me at the door alright?"

Josh bounded downstairs and waited behind the front door for twenty minutes before he heard a car pull up.  
His mother had stared at him worridley, "What are you doing?"  
"Nothing," he'd muttered, rolling his eyes.

He pulled the door open and waved, grinning manically at Tyler was walking over the wet grass. Tyler smiled back but it looked more like a cringe, and Josh faltered a bit, dropping his hand and stepping back.  
"Uh- hi."

"Hey Josh, is your- oh."  
Tyler stopped and Josh felt his moms presence behind him, where she stood confused.

"Uh- Josh. What's... what are you doing here?"

"Josh- why didn't you tell her?" Tyler sighed, "Josh invited me here to hear him play his new drums."

His mother frowned, "Josh, _I_ would have listened,"  
"I wanted Tyler to hear," he mumbled, looking between them both.

"Your dad won't be happy," she muttered, walking away. Dissapointed. Josh was dissapointed too, in himself.

"Okay?" Tyler asked, "should I come in?"  
Josh nodded and let Tyler walk in past him, closing the door and locking it as an afterthought.

He followed Josh upstairs and when he got to his bedroom door, he had to remind himself that this was Tyler and he wasn't here to hurt him and Josh loved him- maybe Tyler loved him back- and this was okay. Even if it was in his room, where his underwear and books and bed were and this was where he came to cry, it was okay- it wasn't like he was ever raped on a bed anyway.  
_Or, maybe he was_ -

"Josh," that was Tylers hand, so soft and kind on his back.  
"Sorry. Sorry." Josh cleared his throat and opened the door. He hoped it didn't smell bad- he bathed everyday and always reminded himself to spray deodorant on, which he'd never get used to. He couldn't get over the baths and showers ether. He never had those. Maybe monthly if he was lucky… Which was gross, to be covered constantly in your own mess and someone elses, no way to get clean unless you were forced to lick it…

He shook his head. No. Tyler was here. Not while _Tyler_ was here- he was fine.

"So- we went to this store yesterday and I saw them- they just said I could have them. Cool, right?" Josh lied, sparing Tyler the details as Tyler circled them, inspecting his drums.

"Sweet. I've never played before. I play piano-"  
"Wow. Really? That's _so_ cool!" Josh yelled happily, inwardly slapping himself. So stupid.

"Anyway. I was thinking J-just... I was gonna play a couple beats. I think that's what it's called." He knew that was what it was called, but he only just got them and Tyler knew more about music, didn't want him to think that Josh thought highly of himself.

"Go ahead," Tyler encouraged, sitting on the edge of his bed and waiting for him to begin.

Josh settled in the little seat, picking up the sticks and twisting them in his hands.

He began playing whatever he'd learnt, looking only at the drums because he didn't want to know Tylers reaction. It wasn't a great thing, anyway. Just drums.  
His arms didn't hurt that much when he played them, he noticed, only a dull throbbing at the top and the same pulling in his wrist that he always had.

When he finished playing the little amount of things he knew, he set the sticks down neatly and crossed his arms over his stomach, slumping and looking at the bass drum.  
"I think I fucked up a few times…"

"No- that was awesome. That was so good, how did you learn so fast? I'm impressed, seriously. So cool, man," Tyler gushed, smiling and Josh felt his heart clench.

"Really?" He asked in disbelief. Tyler was so proud of him. He loved it. Josh loved the praise.

"Yeah- I loved it. I can't wait 'till you learn some songs. I want to hear it- please."

"S-sure," Josh stuttered, a little shocked and a lot in love.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow two chapters in one day I'm going crazy  
> I'm just trying to distract myself from life  
> Merry Christmas eve  
> This is just a Lil filler chapter the next is more important I guess

"Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?"

Josh groaned, flinging his head back against the couch and widening his eyes, "Yes!"  
"Really? Because I'll be gone until late and-"  
"I'll be _fine_ ," Josh huffed, rolling his eyes.

She was going to visit his grandparents house alone after he'd declined her offer of meeting them, his granny was apparently unwell and she had to see her. Josh wasn't complaining- he was sick of being fussed over.

"Okay. Eat whatever, make sure you do, and ring me if you need to alright? I'm going now Josh, I'll try not to be long, I love you baby," she kissed his forehead and left the room, and Josh let out a breath when he heard the door close.

He smiled contentedly and turned the television up. It was the first time in months (technically years) he'd been alone in the house, and he was going to take advantage of that.

So, he placed his hands behind his head and settled as a new movie began, and watched it passively.  
He never really let his mind wonder too much, but when he did he shifted from his relaxed pose and picked his phone up. He'd only ever used it for contacting others and searching up information on the drums- he wasn't prepared for social media, he didn't even know what happened on there, so he basically had nothing to do.  
He had no interests, and that really fucking sucked.

He went on the app 'YouTube', not knowing what to search, so he settled on 'cats' and scrolled through the options.  
He found himself watching those for a half hour, laughing to himself like an idiot. He'd never seen these- he'd seen cats but not these videos. They were _great_.

He heard a strange noise that made him pause the video and look up for the first time in a while, looking around before setting on the TV.

He gasped, dropping his phone and searching blindly for the remote, eyes never leaving the screen.

It was a nude scene- _no_ , it was turning into a sex scene.  
He felt something stir in the pit of his belly, somewhere between nausea and… something else. Nothing he'd ever felt before.

His breathing picked up and he stopped looking for the remote, placing his hands in his lap and watching as the woman in the movie was grinding against the man on the bed, moaning and panting together.

He pressed the palm of his hand into his crotch, looking down to the area and finding that he had a... They called it a boner. His… _He_ called it a dick. His dick was hard and he was beginning to cry. Why was this happening? This _never_ happened to him.

Still, the pressure felt good and he couldn't stop himself from doing it, pressing harder and moaning softly when the man started to get undressed and touching himself, which kind of scared Josh even when he knew it wasn't real.

Th couple were having sex now- real sex and no one was crying but Josh, who shamefully stroked himself through his pants and underwear.

He could feel something twist and tingle in him, and he whimpered, bucking up against his hand, his heart thumping, and then the scene was over and Josh whined, flopping against the seat and closing his eyes.  
He was close… to something. He needed _something_. Was it… it was what _he_ called 'cumming' he realised, and it was like a punch to the gut when ' _No wonder he did it to you so much'_ ran through his mind. It felt good. He needed more. He needed a distraction.

He tried changing the channel to the news, but nothing changed and he still found himself unconsciously rubbing the front of his trousers, but he couldn't think of anything to stop it.

"Please,  _please,"_ he whispered, running a hand through his hair and tugging, willing everything to just go away. He didn't want this- no- he needed it. He needed to do something.

He took his phone in trembling hands, ringing the contact he did most often.

"Josh? I  _just_ got out of work,"

"Please- I need you here," he whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut. He knew Tyler didn't have to come, it wasn't like he was being payed anymore. Maybe Tyler liked him- why else would he watch him play drums and let him into his home?

"Josh... fine. I'll be there- soon, alright? Just... stay calm?"

After, Josh clicked onto Google and searched up an onslaught of various things about his anatomy, what was happening and positively ruined his search history for the rest of his life.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really dislike this chapter but hey merry (slightly early because it's still the 24th in england) Christmas this is your gift from me
> 
>  
> 
> Feeling like this happened to fast but not @ the same time idk

Tyler walked up to Josh's front door, doubt laying heavy in his stomach, making him feel weighed down and sluggish.  
He knocked on the door and heard a squeak of 'come in!' And did so immediately, believing fully that he'd tried to kill himself or something similar.

Opening the door into the living area, he could hear Josh's whimpers and discontent noises.  
"Josh?" He called out softly, closing the door without looking around first.  
"Is there something- _oh_."

Josh was quite the sight, sprawled out on he couch, though with his legs pressed tightly together, crying but he looked… he was horny- he had a fucking boner and he called Tyler over because of this.  
"Oh."

"M'sorry- I don't… I di'nt know what to do," he whimpered, pulling himself into a sitting position but hunching over like he was in pain. "It hurts- I can't... touch it."

"You don't need to touch it," Tyler said quickly, sitting down on the arm of the chair and clasping his hands together.

"I- it _hurts_ ," he whined, pressing down hard and moaning. Tyler flushed and felt himself start to sweat slightly. "Please- c-can you… help?"

"Help? What?" He spluttered, heart stopping.

"I dunno… how to… I dunno. Please." Josh cried, sniffing and wiping tears from his red cheeks.

Did Josh not realise what he was asking Tyler to do? Probably not- he barely knew what was happening.

Tyler shuffled closer and put his hand near Josh's, "you know what that means, right? I'd have to… touch you."

"Please- anything, I trust you." He begged, moving so he pressed into Tylers side and nuzzled his neck.

God. This was too fucked up and too hot for Tyler to process. This… this kid that he knew well, but at the same time not really, who was severely emotionally and physically damaged, sexually tortured and deprived wanted Tyler to get him off.  
This was so wrong, but that didn't stop him from agreeing.

"Okay- okay. You need to… get yourself. Out." He said awkwardly. Josh nodded and hesitated at the hem of his joggers.  
"My legs- they're bad." He fumbled with the material and eventually pulled them down his thighs, figuring that would be enough.  
His legs certainly weren't _bad_ , but they were marred with thick and thin scars, some patches of red and purple where he'd been attacked or burnt.

Tyler hesitantly lifted a hand and touched his thigh, fluttering his fingers over the skin and trailing his hand up and down them. Josh tensed, but relaxed, possibly remembering there was no threat here.  
"Okay?"  
Josh swallowed and nodded, his hands balling into fists at his sides as Tyler ran his hand across Josh's cock through his underwear.  
"These have to go, okay?"  
"Don't- just don't look, alright?" His voice cracked and he closed his eyes as Tyler agreed, pulling his boxer briefs down and of course he looked.  
Josh's dick wasn't shredded like he'd been expecting, but it was discoloured and some parts were rougher and dry compared to others. Not ugly.  
"I said don't look!" Josh yelped, his leg kicking up as he crossed it over the other, hiding himself from Tylers gaze.  
"Sorry- I'm sorry, I promise not to look again okay? It's okay- you're safe, remember?"  
He could tell Josh was near panic, possibly thinking of a bad memory, but he was still desperate for Tylers touch and let his leg fall back down again, Tyler pointedly staring at Josh's face.

"I'm going to touch it now, alright? Promise you'll tell me to stop If you want to."

Josh began chewing on his fingers, "I promise I will, just- t-touch me."

Tyler took a deep breath, giving him time to successfully remind himself that he was an absolute idiot for agreeing to this and also that Josh wanted him this way, and took Josh into his hand, stroking up and then down experimentally.

Josh's mouth gaped just slightly, "k-keep- that was- good," He managed to stutter, biting his lips instead of his hands and resting his fists on his stomach. He set to start again, only to be stopped by Josh's grip on his wrist "Wait- it's really… dry?"

Tyler hummed and spat, hacking up as much spit as he could, moved his hand again, beginning a steady stroking rythm and watching Josh's face.  
Josh must have found a good distraction technique. He had no idea how someone with such bad trauma could be intimate like this, no matter how desperate he was.

"Yeah- Y-yeah, _oh_. _Fuck_."

Josh's facial features were lax and the thrust his hips up ever so subtly, and it wasn't long before Tyler could see the muscles in his stomach that peeked out from his shirt clenching as he grew close.  
"Wait- i feel-"  
"It's okay- just let it happen," Tyler interrupted, voice straining.  
Josh whimpered and closed his eyes, a hue of red dusting over his nose and the tops of his cheeks., his breathing was irregular and he groaned as he began to spasm, head flung back, and came over Tylers hand.  
Tyler helped him through it with his hands and reassuring words, "there you go- so good Josh, was that good?" He mumbled, suprised that the other was still mid-orgasm, shivering and pushing his dick through Tylers grip, his legs moving restlessly like he couldn't sit still.

Tyler released him and awkwardly looked at his hand, remembering the tissues he had in his pocket and using one to clean his hand. Maybe licking it clean was a bit too far right now?

"How was that?"

Josh's eyes flickered open, his mouth opening and closing before he settled on, "good."  
"Really good- that was... f-fuck. Thank you," he gushed, reaching out for Tyler and clinging to him, he was starting to tremble and he was crying again.

"Hey- what wrong? Did I do something?"

"No- it's just. I  _love_ you and that was s-so good," he cried, holding on tight, forgetting that his pants and trousers were still down. "I've never done that." 

"You can do it yourself, you know? Just like I did." He felt Josh shake his head in protest.

"Dunno how... I mess up." 

Tyler decided against arguing and continued to cuddle Josh, rocking him slightly and ignoring that he'd started to get a bit aroused himself, but he didn't need anything, this was all for Josh.

"I love you." The man in his arms repeated, looking up at him adoringly, "can you kiss me?" 

Tyler  _didn't_ feel bad when he pressed his lips to Josh's and let him take the lead clumsily, getting spit everywhere, teeth clashing, and Josh laughed happily. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how I feel about this story anymore. Might delete it. Dunno.
> 
> (I deleted the last chapter this is a replacement)

Tyler felt immense guilt that he had to leave before Mrs Dun came back, or anyone else.  
Josh cried and complained that he didn't want alone, that Mister always left him after but Tyler reassured him that he'd text and call him as soon as he got home.

He also generally felt like shit because of what he'd done.  
It wasn't that he was stringing the boy along because he was lonely and desperate and easy and Tyler got off on it- he didn't. He liked Josh- not love, but he enjoyed his presence and wanted to help him.  
But how could he justify giving a nineteen year old a handjob when he used to be his therapist? When he was severely emotionally fucked up and had little concept of what _normal_ was? God, sometimes he struggled to even speak right because he wasn't taught how to for so long.  
Tyler felt disgusted at himself, no matter how much he told himself that Josh wanted it, pleaded him and told him he loved him repetedly. Tyler couldnt even convince himself that Josh didn't love him anymore. It was easy to believe- he wanted loved and he wanted affection, just like everybody else does.

Tyler was alone for so long, he craved the love and admiration Josh showed, just like Josh craved his attention and praise.

-

Josh successfully managed to prevent himself blubbering like a baby before Tyler left, he didn't even let go when he was gone- he stayed calmer than usual, only cried a little and cheered himself up because Tyler touched him and made him feel _good_.

When his sister Abigail came in from school, she _had_ to say, "It's smells _wierd_ in here," and Josh scrambled to get the scrunched up tissue.  
"I-I cooked something wrong," he lied, but she believed him, or at least pretended to. He shoved the tissue in his pocket.

His mom came home before the others did, and she raised an eyebrow at him, presumably because he wasn't crying or looking sad.  
"Why are you so happy?"  
And why did she have to ask that? It was like she intentionally wanted him to be down, so he changed his mood and pulled a sour face.  
"I'm not." He grumbled, folding his arms and pulling in on himself more.

"Right," she sighed, "What do you want to eat?"  
"Nothing."  
"He already ate!" His sister called and he rolled his eyes.  
"No you didn't, there's no pots out. What do you want Josh?"  
"I said I'm not hungry." He insisted frustratedly. Couldn't she leave him alone?  
"Here- try these, you used to like them when… They're nice." She realised her mistake and handed over a blue and white packet with the word 'oreo' on it.  
He looked at it skeptically but opened it when she left the room, before deciding to retreat upstairs so he could eat without any scrutiny.

He opened the packet and hesitated to try one.  
He remembered the three or four different occasions on which he'd been fed something after being starved ,so he wouldnt hesitate to eat it, and it was poisoned. He'd thrown up and fitted and nearly died before.  
But- no. That wasn't going to happen. This was in a packet- he'd just opened it himself. This was safe.

He ate one, had another and decided they were edible, amazing, and he had to call Tyler to tell him, just incase he didn't know about them.

He felt anxiety as the phone rang up till one of the last rings before Tyler picked up.  
"Hmm?"  
"Oh. Sorry- were you sleeping?"  
"Oh, Josh, hey. No, wasn't sleepin', just hanging out."  
Josh frowned. He sounded tired, and his words were all drawn out and Josh knew what that meant.  
"You've been... drinking?"  
"A little."  
This made Josh feel sick. When Mister drank things got… worse.  
And then he heard a male voice say something and laugh, and Tyler laughed too. Josh hung up and threw the phone like it burnt him.  
Tyler was with someone else? Another guy, and he was drinking and laughing? What were they laughing for? Was it about him? Why was he with someone else? Didn't he like Josh?  
Of course. Josh wasn't enough. It was his scars and his ugly, fucked up eye that he couldn't see out of. He couldn't give him what he needed. Too childish.

Josh became dizzy with all his thoughts and his heart felt like it was going to burst open any minute.  
It was only seconds before he was choking on his sobs to stay quite, stop being pathetic.

**Mister hates you when you cry. Why are you crying?**

And, fuck, Josh had never heard that voice before and he started to sob openly. Terrified.

His phone was ringing, he knew who it was and didnt pick it up. It rang again and again, three times before he turned it off and threw it across the room.

His hands grappled for the scratchy green blanket he'd stolen from Tyler and hid under his pillow, and be hugged it close.

"Tyler, Tyler,  _Tyler,"_ he cried.

Tyler didnt love him. Didn't even like him. He was just a  ** _stupid fucking baby._**


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't want this story to drag on forever so I'm trying to make the chapters longer  
> Tell me what you think?? Tell me I'm good?? Tell me you love me?? Tell me I'm the best? ??  
> Thanks
> 
> (I guess this chapter isn't so bad)

Tyler woke up on his couch with a pain in his head and an even worse, and less familiar, one in his arse.  
He groaned, scolding himself. Why did he always do stupid shit? Well, because he always chose to drink.  
He had one too many glasses of wine and picked out some guy to fuck when he hadnt slept with anyone in over a year. He was practically a virgin again and- yeah, as he checked- he had bled, and there was a small pool of cum and a smudge of blood between his legs. He didn't even like bottoming. It made him feel weak.

Sighing, he picked his phone up from the floor and unlocked it, checking his logs to make sure he hadnt called anyone he shouldn't have.  
No- but he had called Josh four times and he didn't pick up any of them.  
That made Tyler panic a little inside, and he quickly called him again. What if he'd said something stupid? What if Josh was upset and Tyler wasn't there to help him?

This time, Josh did pick up.  
"Josh- thank God. Did I ring you last night? I'm sorry, I had a drink and-"  
"I know." Josh said bitterly, "I rang you and you were pissed and with a guy."  
Tyler swallowed at the tone of Josh's voice. "Well… did you ring for something important?"  
"No… was gonna say something about this thing called 'oreos', they're good but… no. It doesn't even matter now."

"Josh… did I say something to hurt you? Whatever it was, I didn't mean it,"  
"No- you hurt me, yeah. You were with some guy and… I thought you _liked_ me," he snapped. Tyler didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything at all. "I knew I was wrong. Of course I was." Were Josh's last words before the line went dead. And fuck, if Tyler didn't already feel terrible, he did now.

He had a history of fucking up, and he needed to sort it out before it got out of hand again.

-

"Can we go out? I really want to go out."

His mother looked at him incredulously, "you… want to go out?"  
"Well, yes, that's why I just asked if we could go out," Josh scoffed, crossing his arms defiantly. He wanted to go out, yeah, so he could get away from everyone- find a guy of his own and make Tyler jealous.

"Okay… where?"

"I don't know. I wasn't here for nine years, how am I meant to know what's out there?" Josh guilt tripped her. Sometimes he didn't mean to, others he did. His counsellor told him it was _manipulation_ , said he had a personality disorder and thats why he was taking medications, but what would he know? He was sick of being treated like a baby, and sometimes he had to work to get his own way.

"Should we get food?" She asked, beginning to smile and putting her book down.  
"Whatever. I'm going to get dressed." then he remembered there was a shopping estate not far from Tylers house. Maybe he'd be close. He'd have to go there for sure.

He walked into his room. He really wanted to text Tyler. He wanted to talk to him, he wanted Tyler to say he was sorry and kiss him and fawn over him, but like he was an adult. He just wanted him. _Needed_ him.

But, he thought as he put a white shirt on- it had black lines all over it- Tyler had been with someone else. It wasn't like they were together but… then what were they? What if he was nothing to Tyler? He just pitied him like everyone else?  
No.  
Josh couldn't let himself get sad. He was feeling vengeful. He wanted to make Tyler upset and angry in the way he did.  
He wanted to look good. Looking at himself in the full length mirror (that was apparently smash-proof, he bet he could still smash it, he'd been getting bigger muscles since he got the drums) he looked plain. He'd had a couple of hair cuts since he got back, but nothing interesting, always a trim.  
He'd seen a few people he wanted to look like. Well, _not fully_. He wanted a tattoo. He wanted red hair, and he wanted piercings and he wanted to look mean. Like nothing could get to him.  
He just didn't want to be _himself_.

With a heavy hearted sigh, he finished getting dressed and made his way to the front door.  
"Let's go!"  
His mom was there immediately, fussing with her bag and opening the door for him to step out, unlocking it after him and walking out to her car.

Josh got in the passanger and put a CD in the player- it was a band called _Rancid_. He only knew a few songs, but he'd been let loose with a credit card and 'Amazon' so he basically searched up a band he heard of and bought everything that was suggested from it.

His parents didn't like the choice of music he had, he could see his mother grimace and keep her eyes on the road, not asking questions, though.

"Before we eat, I wanna go get a hair cut. Please." He added, just to be nice. Not that he felt that way.  
"Of course. Let me just turn here,"  
She swerved the car and parked up outside of a row of shops. Josh got out his phone and jumped out of the car, searching for pictures of hair to show the barber.

There was a band called 'the exploited'. The singer had a big red mowhawk. He looked scary- cool. He looked _good_. Josh wanted just that, so he showed it to the woman when he sat in the chair.

His mom watched horrified as the clippers were shaving his hair down at the sides (he asked for a 3, too scared to go straight up bald) and cut the hair shorter in the middle. It looked neat and was cheap until he said, "I want it red too." And looked at his mom to see her reaction.  
Her forehead was wrinkled with concern but she handed over the money and the bleaching process began.

It burnt his scalp and made his eyes water, but when it was all washed away and then dyed and washed again, he had to bite his lip to stop himself from smiling.

It cost $80, but Josh didn't feel remorseful because he loved it. He looked individual now. But at the same time, he didn't want to be noticed and stand out.

"Well… I don't even know what to say about that," his mom sighed, starting the car up and pulling back out into the road.  
"You don't have to say anything, I like it," Josh stated, rolling his eyes.

Josh directed her to the food chains close to Tylers house without her even questioning it, and felt confident when he picked one out. It sold Chinese food, something he'd never had but wouldn't mind trying.

They were at seats at the side, near the back because his anxiety got the best of him and he couldn't have anyone sitting behind him.  
He had noodles and some other food ( A/N honestly I dont know what else I only eat noodles when I get Chinese because I don't eat meat) and it tasted a little strange, but he started to feel bad so he forced himself to eat it.

He could feel someone staring at him- it was a man, across the room. He wore a tight white shirt and had black hair, big dead eyes that bored into his soul. He wiped his mouth with a napkin before looking up at him, giving a wry smile and getting a grin in return.  
"What are you smiling at?" His mom asked, looking around confusedly.  
"Nothing," he frowned and pushed his fork into his noodles, looking back up at the guy who raised an eyebrow at him and flicked his eyes towards the bathroom.

Josh's breathing stopped and he gripped his fork. Was this really what he wanted? If he went with the stranger, they'd obviously have sex. He wanted to make Tyler jealous, right? So this was what he planned to do.  
"I-I need the bathroom," he stammered, standing up before he could change his mind.

This was a terrible idea. This was such a bad idea. This wasn't safe. Was this guy safe?

**Of course he is. This is safe. Do it.**

His head twitched and he pushed the bathroom door open, looking around cautiously before stepping in.

"What's yer name?" The guy was all over him straight away.

"J-Josh,"

"Hi, Josh. I'm Andrew." He hummed, his hands trailing up Josh's sides and Josh could feel his chest constricting. "What's wrong with your eye?"

"Nothings wrong with my eye," he mumbled, offended and embarrassed.

"Have you got stuff on you?"

"Stuff?" He asked. Did he mean drugs? Of course he didnt have drugs on him!

"Guess we'll just have to go without- you're probably already ready, right? Pretty boys like you get fucked all the time." He sighed into Josh's neck and started to suck and lick there. 

He didn't like this. Josh didn't like this. He didn't want this anymore.

"W-wait- stop," 

"Stop? Why? We haven't even started."

"But- but, I don't want to anymore. I said stop!"

" _Oh,_ I get it. This is your thing, right? You're into rape or something?"

And that set Josh off, pulling his fist back and decking  _Andrew_ right in his patronising face. 

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe as he ran out of the bathroom and straight through the dining area, his mom shooting up from her seat and following. But he was already gone, running up the street even when he was gasping for air and his face was red with exertion. 

He didn't stop until he was in familiar territory. He was outside of Tylers home, and he knocked repeatedly, but there was no answer. Fuck. Why wasn't he in? Why, now of all times. Where was he? Probably working. 

Josh sat down on the doorstep, expecting Tyler to come back with some guy any moment now.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so bad I hate it so much askjfdlkjhgu 
> 
> I feel so drained
> 
> (I'll probably delete this chapter)

Tyler didn't get home until 11pm- he had one session with a boy called Mark that lasted an hour, then rushed to the hospital with two different emergency cases, one girl who tried to kill herself and a man who threatened to kill others.  
It was one of the most tiring days he'd had in a while, considering he'd hardly slept, drank, had unprotected sex with a stranger, and wanted to stay in alone all day and sleep. He'd done pretty well but felt like shit, which wasn't made worse when his own fucking parking space was taken up unnecessarily by a long white car, right in the middle of the bay so he had to park near the road.

He walked up past the bushes on his front and trudged up the driveway, stumbling and stopping when he saw a figure on his doorstep.  
"Um… are you okay?"  
No reply.  
"Excuse me?" He tried, playing with the strap of his bag and advancing when the person stayed silent.  
  
Upon closer inspection, they were wearing a white jacket and had… red hair?  
Experimentally, Tyler tapped their shoulder and their head lolled to the side, revealing a face and. Oh. That was Josh.  
"Josh?! What the fuck?" Tyler put pressure on his shoulder to make him wake up, and Josh yelped as he woke up.  
"Josh what are you doing here? It's fucking freezing! You're so cold- how long have you been out here? Come on, get inside now."

Josh's eyes were distant, but aimed towards him.  
"Please don't h-hurt me, I'm sorry, I-i'll suck you off-" he was reaching out to Tylers zipper, and Tyler shoved him away.  
"Stop- it's me, Josh it's _Tyler_ , not…"

Josh dissolved into chesty sobs, his voice ragged and nasal, probably because he'd been out in the cold.  
Tyler looked around and then tucked his hands under Josh's arms to pull him up, "come on, it's alright, you're safe- I got you."

He managed to unlock the door with Josh gripping onto his side, shivering and crying and mumbling to himself, occasionally looking up to say something incomprehensible to Tyler and shaking his head when he was asked to repeat as he was guided through the house.

Tyler took him upstairs and into the bedroom, where he lay him on the bed and removed his wet shoes, before covering him with the blanket.  
"I-I'm sorry," Josh cried.  
Tyler hushed him, "It's alright- go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning- you go to sleep. Sshh- sleep. I'm here."  
Josh looked up at him with bleary eyes and nodded tiredly.  
It only took him a minute to fall asleep, his eyelids growing heavy and eventually shutting.

Tyler scrubbed his face and stood up, making sure not to make too much noise as he picked a shirt and fresh boxer briefs from his drawers. He padded out into the hallway and turned to the bathroom, stripping, so ready to finally get a shower and a good sleep.

-

Tyler didn't get that good sleep.  
He managed to collapse in bed at 12, but was woken up at 3AM when Josh started thrashing, jostling the matress and waking Tyler up easily. He spent ten minutes calming him down and then passed out again.

The same thing happened at 5AM, but Josh was screaming this time, his voice rasping as he cried and yelled out 'nononono'. Nothing else. That time, Tyler had to hold him, reassure him that it wasn't a bad person. There was no bad person anymore.

When Josh woke up for good, Tyler could barely keep his eyes open with the little amount of sleep he'd had, but he still forced himself to function.

Josh had punched him in the back, right between his shoulder blades. Tyler yelped and almost fell off the bed, but held on to the covers and stayed put.  
"What the hell?"  
"Why did you sleep with someone?" Josh whimpered, crying as always.  
"What?" Tyler groaned, rolling onto his stomach and pushing himself up so he was on his haunches.  
"When I rang you, you were with someone. I really thought Y-you might like me." He said accusingly, half of his face covered with the sheets pulled up.

Tyler sighed, it was too early for this. "Yes- I did sleep with someone. But Josh- it didn't mean anything, alright? I had a drink and I was feeling… I don't know. I can't even remember. I'm sorry- I do like you."

"No you dont- _no you don't_ or you wouldn't have been with him." He said shakily, "and… I. I did something b-bad," he choked, the pillow getting damp with his tears.  
"Bad? What do you mean?"  
Thoughts whirled around his sleep-fogged mind. What did that mean? Did he try to kill himself again? Did he hurt someone? Had he run away and that was why he was here?  
"I-I… I tried to have sex," he sobbed, "I went to th-this Chinese place and tried to… and then I di'nt want to. I was just try'na get back at you." He admitted, and sat up to cover his face with his hands.

So. He'd tried to fuck a complete stranger, sober, in a restaurant because he was jealous?

"I said no and he… H-he asked if I was into rape! Why would he say that? What the fuck, Tyler?"

Tyler shook his head and wrapped an arm around Josh's shoulders.  
"I don't know, Josh. Some people... just don't understand, that's all."

He couldn't blame Josh for what he'd done. He felt hurt and wanted to stop feeling hurt, so he tried to do the only thing he knew would stop pain. With _Mister_ , when he was punished, he acted submissive to change the punishment into sex. It was less painful for him.

"I'm not mad, if that's what you're worried about. I'm just... it's _concerning_. And I'm _sorry_ \- do you believe that?"

Josh shrugged, "No. But I'm the one who should be s-sorry- I'm such a _s-stupid little whore_ ," he whispered the last part, and let himself go completely, dissolving into a shaking, crying mess on the bed.

"Josh- no, baby, you're not…" he let the 'baby' slip on accident but didn't correct himself, didn't acknowledge the way Josh perked up a little. "You're not, okay? Do you think that I'm a whore because of what I did?"

Josh sniffed, "No. But you were drunk and… you didn't have sex sometimes daily with-"

"Josh, stop. That wasn't sex. You didn't want it- it wasn't your fault. You're not a whore, you're not anything bad, I promise."

"Y-you promise?"

"Yes." Tyler inisited, "how long were you outside last night?"

"I got there at three…"

He was there for over five hours in the cold. "You were out there five hours. Fuck. No wonder you're ill- you want a bath?"  
Josh had a runny nose and bleary eyes, his voice was cracking.

"Okay. I-I still don't forgive you."

Tyler laughed a little and slid off the bed, "okay. I guess I'll have to work for it."

-

Josh took his bath and before he did so, he'd removed his shirt in front of Tyler. Not intentionally. Tyler was about to give him a jacket for when he'd washed, and he walked in on him changing.  
His back had some of the worst scarring hed seen, no doubt most of it was from whips or things like that. Worse than that though, was at the very top of his spine. A large patch of red. Definitely burns.

It didn't make him think anything less of him, of course.

"How did you manage to get away for so long? Is your phone broke? I thought the police would be out by now."

Josh downed the rest of his coke and burped. "I told my mom that i was fine and I was with you. It took a lot of convincing."

"Why did you lie though? It would have been better if you'd let her help you."

Josh put his can down and frowned, "if you didn't want me here, then…"  
"No. It's not that. Nevermind." Then, "Wait- your hair. It's so crazy, did you get that done yesterday?"

Josh grinned and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah- do you like it?"  
"It's awesome. It's so red!"  
"I know. You don't think it's wierd?"  
"I love it."

Josh smiled a lot, but his eyes were always distant and sad, no matter what Tyler said.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you delete a chapter you spent three days working on and recreate one you hate even more
> 
> This originally was like 3000 words just for one chapter but I didn't like that so I've separated it and I'll upload the other whenever. It doesn't make sense and it's so bad but whatever
> 
>  
> 
> (Fuck I hate this so much)

"Do I have to go?"  
"Yes."  
"Can't I just stay here?"

Tyler had to leave for work, well- he was going to a clients house and he insisted Josh went home, because he couldn't stay here.

" _No_ , Josh. You need to go to your house, get some sleep."

"I don't want to go there- please, I'll just tell my mom that I'm staying here for a while?"  
Before Tyler could even answer, Josh was taking out his phone and sending a message out.

Tyler sighed exaggeratedly and fixed his coat, running a hand through his hair. "I don't… will you be okay on your own? Really?"

"I've been home alone before, Tyler, I'm not a baby," he scoffed, kicking his feet up onto the couch.  
"Yeah, but… fine. Ring me if you need me, but I've really gotta go. Make sure you eat- I need to go now," Tyler rushed to gather his things.

"Wait- can… can I have a kiss, maybe?"

Tyler considered this briefly, but he decided that no harm could be done, so he quickly pressed his lips against Josh's and pulled away.  
"Sorry- I _really_ need to go."

-

Josh ended up going around the house, locking all the doors and windows after he got a call. From his dad, this time. He'd yelled and complained, and said 'how do you know you're safe?' And well, he didn't, so that's why he locked everything up.

He even closed the curtains and then sat down on the couch, less relaxed this time, but he couldn't let his mind wonder. Not now. This was a safe place.  
He flipped through the channels, coming across a show called 'The X-Files'. The episode was something about an investigator at a hostel, and one of the guests was an alien. It confused him, creeped him out a little at some parts, but mostly intrigued.  
There were two episodes on, and he fixed himself on the chair comfortably with some coke, wearing a snug pair of Tylers sweats that he'd snatched.

He was still bitter about what Tyler did, but who could blame him? Josh couldn't give him what he wanted...  
Plus, how could be be truly mad when Tyler took him in and looked after him? And kissed him.  
Maybe he should just… give himself to Tyler. That's what people in _love_ do…

He hoped Tyler wouldn't be too long. He always got bored so easily, constantly flicking his attention from his phone to the TV.

He got through to episode two by the time he heard the door go, Tylers struggling with the handle.  
"Josh? You in there?" He called out worridley. Josh paused the TV and quickly made his way to the door, removing the chain and turning the key.  
" _God_ , I thought something was wrong," Tyler muttered, walking in and wiping his feet on the rug. "Why'd you lock the door?"  
"Cus I felt like it," Josh shrugged, tugging at the hem of his joggers out and pulling at the strings, licking his lips.  
Tyler raised an eyebrow at his suggestive mannerisms but closed the door, removing his coat.  
"How was…"  
"Jack. He was fine… I guess. Well, not really but y'know,"  
"Tell me?"  
Tyler scoffed, "Josh, the entire point is that it's confidential. How would you like it if I'd told your mom what you told me?"  
Josh frowned because that was different, what happened to Josh… no. He pushed away those thoughts and stepped closer to Tyler, grazing his fingers over his chest.  
"Please?"  
"Josh, no."  
He tutted and retreated to the living room, plonking on the couch and pressing play.  
"What's this?" Tyler asked, removing his tie and throwing it over the top of the door for whenever he could remember to move it.  
"X-Files."  
Tyler hummed and sat on the arm of the couch, fidgeting with his hands.  
"Do you wanna go out?"  
Josh perked up at that. "Where to?"  
"… a bar?"  
Josh frowned. "The pub?"  
Tyler shrugged, looking uneasy, "I like to have a little drink sometimes."  
"Last time you drank, you…" Josh trailed off and looked at his knees. "Whatever. Sure. When do you want to go?"

Tyler hopped up and set to the staircase, "I'm gonna go get ready now!" He called out.

Tyler was far too other enthusiastic for alcohol, and Josh was scared for what was to come. He hated people drinking. People got angry, or sad, or too happy and it scared him. He'd never even drank before.

"Josh! Are you gonna get ready?"  
Josh bit his lips, "yeah!"  
He got up from the chair slowly and walked to the corner of the room where a bag of his clothes were dumped. He'd stayed at Tyler for two or three nights now so he'd had some clothes dropped off.  
He hawked through the bag, pulling out a pair of rumpled black jeans- the ones that showed off his knees- and a baggy jumper.

He couldn't dismiss the doubt that weighed him down, making him move slowly as he got dressed and assessed himself in the mirror.

He hoped Tyler didn't leave him.  
**_Tyler would leave him_**.

-

They didn't even leave the house until 6, and Tyler ordered them a taxi even though his house wasn't even that far away from it.  
They ended up in a pub. It wasn't fancy, but the music was nice and not too loud, and it wasn't really uncomfortable to sit in because they sat at the far back.

"What do you want to drink?" Tyler asked, opening his wallet and taking out a note.

"Coke?"

Tyler rolled his eyes but agreed, patting his hand before he made his way to the bar, leaving Josh to stare at the scratched table top that he sat by.

He ran his fingers over the indents in it, subconsciously doing the same to his knees.  
He'd been daring, wearing the jeans in public. He'd only ever worn them at night in his own bedroom when everyone was asleep, because of his ugly skin. It was so obvious, he didn't want to move and risk anyone seeing it.

"Got ya coke," Tyler said, pushing an overflowing glass towards him and sitting down, a bottle of 'cider' in his hand.

Josh sipped his drink, scrunching his face up, "it tastes wierd- it's so watery," he complained, watching Tyler chug on his own alcohol.

"They always water soda down in pubs. Cheaper." He replied nonchalantly, gazing up at the TV above the bar, some kind of sports playing.

Josh sighed and rested his head in a hand. Was this all going out meant? Sitting in a pub and not talking? It was boring. He hadnt even brought his phone.

"This is boring," he remarked, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie further down when he saw the red marks on his wrists.

"Huh? Oh. Sorry. What do you want to talk about?" Tyler turned his attention back to him

"I dunno. Do you drink a lot?"

"No. Why?"

"Will… are you gonna leave me?"

Tyler furrowed his brow, "What? No, why would I?"

Josh ignored his question and looked down at his knees. His left knee was relatively normal, thin white scars that were barely noticeable. His right knee, however, had a horrific jagged scar just under the knee cap. It was a blazing pink-purple and was thick because it was never stitched shut after it re-opened. He remembered getting that one vividly.

_Mister had no idea what he was doing._  
_"I'm bored. Lay down."_  
_And he did, without having to be told twice, Josh lay on the cold metal table that made his skin shiver because he was naked. He always was._

_Mister rolled out a sheet that held some of his tools, scalpels and scissors. He was a doctor of some sort, he said. He went to medical school._

_His right thigh was strapped down, which was unusual. If he was being hurt, he was held down by his feet and wrists, never his thighs. His wrists followed._

_Mister picked up a sharp blade and pulled himself closer by his feet on the ground, sitting in that chair with wheels. He looked excited._

_Josh seized up when the blade was dug into his skin, no hesitation. He dared not to make a noise. It hurt, but he'd had worse- except, the blade kept going down, into the flesh and fat and then muscle undrneath it, and Josh's legs spasmsed. That was why he was strapped down._

_"Don't. Move."_

_He could feel every push and pull, and the drag of the blade on his insides made him scream out and lift his head._

_"Shut your mouth."_

_Josh couldn't stop himself from twitching and shaking as his knee was cut open-_

"Josh? You're shaking- what is it?"

"N-nothing, it's nothing," Josh whispered, picking his drink up and drinking it so he didn't have to explain.

"Okay… I'm gonna go grab another drink. You want anything?"

Josh declined the offer and took the time while Tyler was away to calm himself down. He had a flashback in public- that was bad and he couldn't let it happen again. He needed something to do.

Tyler took longer getting a drink this time, and Josh looked up to find him talking to a woman, looking relaxed and laughing with her, standing too close for his liking.

Luckily, Tyler caught his gaze and wrapped it up.

"What's your problem?"  
"Nothing."  
"We can go home if you want?"  
"No, I just… you said you liked me. You kiss me a lot."  
Tyler sighed, "Josh, I like you. Really like you, okay? Just because I talk to people, doesn't mean I'm about to cheat on you."

Josh looked away. Cheat on him? Did that mean Tyler was his _boyfriend_?  
He hoped so.  
-

Josh had caved and sat with Tyler at the stools, where they could order their drinks easier. He had his first alcoholic beverage. It was meant to be fruity, but it still burned his stomach and made him feel sick. He carried on drinking anyway.

"I need the bathroom, y'wanna come?" Tylers words slurred just a little and he put his hand heavily on Josh's back.  
"No, I think I'll jus' stay here," Josh answered, raising his voice over the chatter because the bar had gotten much more full. Usually he wouldn't have the nerve to be alone and went with Tyler everywhere (Tyler had been going to the toilets every twenty minutes, it was really annoying) but he was interested in the wrestling match playing.

"Kay, I'll be back in a minute,"  
Tylers hand slid down his back, squeezed his bum as much as he could where Josh was sat. He gasped and giggled, knocking Tylers clammy hand away.

Tyler walked away, and he definitely wasn't drunk. He still walked In a straight line and he hadnt gotten angry at Josh yet. Just overly flirtatious, which Josh could deal with. He liked the attention.

"Where's your boyfriend gone?"  
Josh swallowed the drink in his mouth, his happy denamour dropping, and turned his head slowly to the source of the voice, breath catching in his throat at the man looming over him.

He had grey hair and blue eyes, an ugly looking moustache over his lip, a burgandy knitted jumper on.  
He looked vaguely like _Mister_ , but in Josh's mind, it looked exactly like him. But it wasn't him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got this done after re writing it three or four times
> 
> Thanks Levi for giving me some ideas (don't remember his name on here)
> 
> I still don't like this but I'm too tired to caree
> 
> (I'm no good at fight scenes despite being a violent person)

  
"Bathroom." He mumbled, looking away to show disinterest.  
Instead, the man sat down next to him, in Tylers seat.  
"I'm John. What's your name?"  
His voice was menacing, feigning kindness. Josh could tell.  
"Its J-Josh. Can you move? My friends c-coming back soon."  
John laughed loudly and Josh hunched over himself, looking at the toilet doors and willing Tyler to come back now.  
"No. I think you can do better."  
There was a hand on his knee - his bad knee - that was jerked back quickly.  
"What the fuck is that?" He said loudly, pushing back in his chair so he could bend down and examine Josh's leg.  
"Stop! Get off-" Josh hissed, batting the hands away.  
"Jesus Christ, what happened to your leg?"  
"Please, just-"  
He poked at the scar roughly, making Josh's leg kick out so he stood up, intending on going to the bathroom to see Tyler.  
"Hey, get back here, I wanna see-"  
He was pulled back by his hood, the fabric being pulled back so the bottom of his back was visible.  
"Ooh, what happened to your back?"

Josh let himself start to cry, finding it impossible to escape the unwanted touch with all the people surrounding them, the hand groping his crotch painfully tight.

He cried out and gripped the bar desk, not even trying to get away anymore, just biting his lips to stifle his crying.

"No need to cry," John snorted, letting him go, but Josh couldn't move. He shouldn't move. He wasn't aloud.

"So… is your friend coming back?" Again, Josh said nothing but tried to nod. "Doesn't look like it. How 'bout you come with me?"

He couldn't say no. He shouldn't say no. He didn't say no, and he was being manipulated to walk to the exit of the pub, an arm around his shoulders in a possessive way.  
It made him remember.

_He was nine._  
_He didn't understand why the man came up to him, taking his hand and not saying a word as he led him astray, an around his shoulders, taking him to a damaged car. He didn't understand why his parents ran after the car he got in. He waved them goodbye, anyway, because he'd been taught good manners._

_"Where're we goin'?" He'd asked innocently, chewing on a sweet in his mouth and settling in the plastic covered seat._  
_The man smiled crookedly and the car sped up, the outside world a blur and then he didn't see his family again for ten years_.

-

Tyler rushed out of the toilets, after he'd had to assist a drunken woman after she'd stumbled into the men's room, hoping that Josh would be alright.

He looked around, running a hand through his hair before making his way over to where Josh was. Or where he was supposed to be.

After searching the room, he walked to where the bar tender was pulling drinks and slapped the wood to get his attention.  
"Hey, did you see where the guy I was with went? About 5"7. Red hair…"

The man puffed out his cheeks in thought then nodded, "went out with some guy. You just missed him."

Tyler thanked him and quickly made his way out into the street, heart pounding in his mouth as he looked down each way.

"Oh my fucking god," he whispered to himself, yanking at his hair with both of his hands. Josh hadn't even brought his phone. Where the fuck was he? Who was he with?

He began to walk left, hoping he wasn't going the completely wrong way. They couldn't have gotten far- Tyler was only behind by seconds, apparently.

He'd made it across a road and he could see a dead end. He clenched his fists, and just as he was about to turn back around, he heard a faint whimper- "I-i want Ty."

He stopped dead and strained himself to listen closer, trying to find the source of the words.

"Tyler isn't here- he _left_ you, remember?" A voice sneered, then a dull smacking sound was heard.

Tyler breathed in sharply and looked around before delving into a dark alley. It was so typical, he thought. He never knew things like this were so likely. But there he was, walking down an alley way where he found a man groping Josh and saying something quietly into his ears.

"Hey- get the _fuck_ off him!" Tyler seethed, stalking over to the scene.  
The man turned his gaze to Tyler, an evil glint in his eyes, a smile on his face.  
"Ooh, look. It's Tyler." He teased, turning back to Josh and with a twist and push of his hand, Josh let out a breathless groan and fell to his knees, clutching his abdomen.

Tyler wasnt a violent person. Some might even consider him a pacifist, but…

"You bastard!" Tyler surged forward and yanked the guy back by his hair, finding it greasy and slipping out of his grip easily, allowing him to punch Tylers nose, and then his eye.  
He could feel the warm liquid cascading down his face and mouth, both from his nostrils and brow, but he spat it back in his face and pushed him back.

The man fell, sprawling on the floor and hitting his head, momentarily set back.  
He took the opportunity to crouch by Josh, "Josh? Josh, are you hurt? W-what did he do?"

"N-nothing- I'm fine." Josh answered, his voice strained, forehead against the wall.  
Josh was definitely not fine, but Tyler had to stop this fucker from getting to him again, so he straightened up and to his suprise, the man was still sat on the floor gathering his bearings.

Tyler sent a kick his way, and another, and another, until he was gasping.  
"You think it's okay to hurt people? You think it's okay to hurt _my_ fucking boyfriend, huh?!"

Tyler had heavy boots on, so he wasn't suprised when the man groaned and flinched away from his kicks, but he still didn't look scared. He looked fucking _insane_.

Tyler calmed himself down, looking at the man lying on the floor, small lacerations on his body and blood splattering the floor - not that he'd caused major injury.  
"I'm calling the fucking police. Don't you dare fucking move," Tyler ordered, taking his phone out with shaking hands and moving so he could sit with Josh.

"Josh- what's his name?" He asked softly, seeing how scared Josh was.  
"I-its John- T-Tyler, it's _John_!" He croaked frantically. Tyler didn't understand why he emphasised that it was John. Did he know him?"  
  
"Do… do you know him?"

"It's John," Josh repeated, "he-he-" Josh cut himself off with a cry of pain that Tyler had dismissed for distress until he looked down to where Josh's hands were clasped together, blood bubbling up between them.  
"Josh? Josh, what happened?"  
He pryed Josh's hand away, revealing a wound spewing blood leisurely. He couldn't determine how deep it was, but when the emergency services finally picked up, he asked for an ambulance and the police.

"Here- put- put pressure on it. You're gonna be okay." Tyler removed his jacket to put around a shivering, crying Josh, and pressed his hands over Josh's, adding more weight to help stop the bleeding.  
"Please stop crying, I'm here. _I'm here_. No one else is ever gonna hurt you. I'm here. You're safe." Tyler whispered repeatedly.  
He looked over at John, making sure he was still down and-

He was fucking _gone_.

-

They gave the details to the police- or, well, Tyler did. Josh sat in the back of the ambulance, paramedics pouring antiseptic over his wound, clearing it up and checking out the damage.

He'd been stabbed in a sensetive place, but no major arteries were hit. They were driven to hospital. Tyler held Josh's hand, kissing it and telling him reassuring things even when he was unresponsive.

Josh got five stitches and a supply of bandages and wipes to care for it, and Tyler had his face cleaned along with butterfly stitches. He ordered them a taxi home, and they got back at nine.

Josh didn't step in the house until Tyler went in and searched it to make sure there was no one in, eventhough that made him have to stood on the doorstep alone.

"All clear, baby," Tyler said once he descended the stairs, hooking his arm with Josh's and helping him over the threshold.  
"Do you want a bath?"  
"No. Just wanna stay with you. Can we lay down?" He said tiredly.

Tyler cleared the couch up and picked up a blanket, turning the TV on and handing Josh the remote.

Josh lay on the couch and closed his eyes, "hold me?"  
Stupid question.

He slid in behind Josh, struggling a bit but managed to fit in comfortably.  
Josh gripped his arm and brought it to lay over his waist.  
They remained in silence, watching a comedy film Josh put on, until Josh spoke up.  
"I knew him."  
"What?"  
"The… John. He… he knew Mister. I-I saw him a few times…" Josh screwed his eyes shut, a painful memory, and Tyler kissed his hair.  
"Its okay, baby, he's not here."  
"But he's out there! Hes gonna find me again a-and take me back!" Josh sat up and stared at Tyler with wide eyes.  
"No-"  
"I don't wanna go back, please Tyler- please, I can't go back,"  
"Josh- calm down. You're safe- I'm here, I won't let anyone hurt you again- get here."

Josh collapsed into his arms and cried onto his chest.  
"W-why did he find me? Why does everyone want to hurt me?"  
There was so much pain in his voice that it made Tylers chest constrict.

"They don't want to hurt you, alright? There's just some bad people."  
"Did you mean it?"  
"Mean what?"  
"That...I'm your boyfriend?"

Tyler forgot he'd said that. But he basically was his boyfriend. They slept together and kissed and Josh slept over.

"If… if you want to be."

Josh shifted with a grimace so he was on his back, looking up at Tyler, a small smile lingering on his face. It even showed in his squinty hazel eyes, that he then closed contentedly.

Tyler couldnt help but duck down and press his lips to Josh's, looking for his reaction. He kissed back as best as he could and opened his mouth just a small bit, allowing Tyler to lick into him.

They'd never kissed like this. It was always careful, chaste, one second pecks. This was passionate, intimate even, and it was fucking beautiful.

When Josh rest his head back, he looked up at Tyler as if he were his whole world.

To Josh, he _was_.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I got some amazing art for this fic and I fucking cried I've tried to add them in but I'm not sure how it'll go
> 
> I'm probably gonna make a little story thing just to post them to, because they need to be out there more rather than in this crappy chapter.  
> It a pretty pointless one but I just wanted to boast about this fucking art wow
> 
> THE FUCKING IMAGES WON'T SHOW UP I SWEAR TO GOD PLEASE DOWNLOAD THEM AND LOOK AT THEM THEYRE SO GOOD I'M SO BAD AT THIS I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO LINK THEM PROPERLY FUCk

 

Tyler found himself practically on top of Josh when he awoke, and lifted himself up gingerly, careful not to jostle him.  
He could tell by looking at Josh that he was shattered, his eyes rimmed dark red with the exception of the scar that indented in his skin, a paler pink colour.

He knew Josh was self consious about it- but he hasn't always been. He wasn't always aware of it because he didn't have time to analyse it or have it pointed out by people that he didn't know.  
The scarring wasn't too obvious, but the murky colour of his eye was noticeable from any distance.

There were a few splotches of blood on his shirt and he warily lifted the fabric, seeing the bandage around his torso was leaking blood.

"Josh- Josh, wake up," he said softly, poking his finger into Josh's thigh continously until he stirred, groaning and swatting his hand away.

"D'nt touch me," he mumbled, wiping his mouth with his sleeved arm.  
"Sorry," Tyler apologised, retracting his hand, "we need to change your bandages. Oh- and call your mom."

Josh scowled at him sleepily and pulled himself up into a sitting with a grimace and small noise of pain.  
"Do we have to call my mom?"  
Tyler rolled his eyes and moved to pick up a bag from the hallway, where he'd put the wipes and bandages.  
"Obviously, Josh. You got stabbed and… harassed."  
"I didn't get _harassed_. He - I _deserved_ it."

Tyler looked at Josh incredulously, " _What_? Josh, _no_."  
Josh looked away and shook his head, because Tyler would never understand.

"Here- do you need help with this?" Tyler asked, holding up the medical supplies.  
Josh ran a finger over his lower stomach and hissed, "Y-yeah, please."

Tyler liked that Josh was going to allow him to see his stomach. He'd never seen much of his skin apart from his face, neck, hands, feet and some of his legs. He must have been opening up- which was unusual after an attack.  
But he hated how he over analysed everything.

Josh fingered the hem of his jumper, biting his lips. "Do I need to take it off?" He said quietly, unsure.  
"You can trust me."

Josh squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his clothing over his head too fast, yelping, and Tyler saw the blood pooling on the dressing grow.  
"Baby," Tyler cooed, dropping to his knees and shuffling forward.

It was the first time he'd seen Josh's full stomach and chest.  
There were white, pink and purple marks running across the skin- obviously from whippings, and a large scar ran from his navel across to the side of his right chest.  
And Tyler couldnt miss the piercings. He had his nipples pierced- bars running through them both, balls at the end keeping them in place.

"Stop _looking_!" Josh ordered, folding his arms over his chest and hunching over in a way that must've hurt.

"Sorry- it's just…" there was nothing he could say, really. He almost wanted to compliment the piercings because they looked good, but that was a dumb fucking idea considering how he acquired them.

"I-I know it's ugly- can you go? I'll do it."

Tyler shook his head and took a bandage from its packet, "I'm sorry. I won't look anymore."

Josh looked at him doubtfully but sat up as much as possible, his toes curling when Tyler began unravelling the swathe of fabric carefully.  
Each time he cringed or whimpered, Tyler would pause and say sorry, stroking his knee reassuringly.

He'd took it off, leaving only the large square gauze. It wasn't soaked fully in blood, but it was getting there.  
"Tell me if it hurts."

Josh didn't tell him, choosing to stay silent and fisting the couch cushions in his hands as Tyler peeled it back and let it drop to the floor.  
The wound definitely wasn't as bad as it seemed, but one of the stitches had come out, allowing it to gape slightly and bleed.

"Jeez. One of the stitches broke."  
Josh laughed bitterly, "I'm used to it."  
Tyler ignored his comment and opened one of the wipes, cleaning the area gently before re-dressing it and standing up, all of the waste in hand.  
"There we go. Okay?"  
Josh just shrugged and put his hoodie back on, leaving Tyler to put the things in the kitchen bin.

He came back in with Josh's phone in hand, unlocking it and pulling up Lauras number, "here. You need to ring her."

Josh took his phone and played with it in his hands for a moment, staring at Tyler unnervingly.  
"They used to be rings."

"Huh?"

Josh touched his chest and ran his hands across the piercings, "they used to be rings. Sometimes... Sometimes he'd put chains on them. Pull them around and make me bleed."

Unsure of what to say now, he settled on, "…why don't you take them out?"

Josh frowned, searching for the answer himself. He couldn't say that it made him feel normal, or that he _liked_ it.  
"I don't want to."

-

"Oh my God, why didn't anyone call me sooner?!"

They'd called Josh's parents and asked them to come get him. Tyler insisted Josh should go home for some time, to relax and be around different people. He was afraid Josh would get bored of him.

Josh shrugged, "it was pretty late, I didn't want to… annoy you."  
Laura shook her head in disbelief and examined the bandage around Josh's torso. She let his shirt down and moved to pick Josh's bag up from the corner of the room.  
"Did you tell the police at least?"

Tyler swallowed. "Well… I did, but he got away. We had to leave them a description." Tyler followed Josh with his eyes as he left the room, walking upstairs to find something. "Josh said that he knew the guy. From… _Mister_." He said quietly.

She paled, "What? He… oh God." She sunk down onto the couch, head in her hands, "I can't believe... I can't lose him again."

"You won't." Tyler promised. He wouldnt let it happen. He needed Josh.

-

When Josh got home, he received a lot of attention, and this time he liked it.  
He liked having people run around for him and make sure he was okay, did he need water, was he hungry, did he want them to buy him anything?

He lazed around on the couch after having been pressured to take a shower, cautious with his bandages. He didn't even worry when his shirt rolled up, revealing small slivers of skin, because he was distracted.

He had his phone and the television and food and his own thoughts.  
He tried hard to forget what happened, but how was it possible?  
He'd had a run in with _John_. He didn't remember him at first, but it didn't take long for the rough hands to bring back everything he forgot.  
He didn't _want_ to think about it.

"Mom?"

His mom sat beside him on the settee, flicking between channels, and his dad sat on a single chair across the room.  
She hummed in recognition to his questioning.

"Would you be mad if… if I said that me and Tyler are boyfriends?"

She looked uncomfortable with the situation, especially with her husband there. 

"Well... I wouldn't be  _pleased_ but... I cant stop you."

Josh smiled to himself and turned to look at his dad.

"Dad?"

Bill grunted and sighed, "as long as you're safe... and happy."

Josh felt accepted and his thumbs worked quickly over the keypad of his phone, letting Tyler know that he'd told them and they didn't mind.

**_Tyler_** - _:) x_

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could give a better explination as to why I always doubt this story and say I'm going to delete other than  
> I hate myself  
> But there ya go  
> Yeah I uploaded part of this yesterday but I deleted it because it was short so I've elongated it.  
> What do you think?  
> What should I write next?

"Where we gonna go?"   
"Let's get in the house first, yeah?" Tyler chuckled, taking a bag from Josh as he stepped out of his dad's car.

  
Bill sighed and shook his head as Josh leaned in for a kiss that Tyler, of course, accepted.  
"When am I expecting you back, Josh?"

" _Dad_ , I'm not a kid," Josh whined, not bothering to close the passanger door as he slowly walked to Tylers front door, "I'll ring my mom."

Bill made a disgruntled noise and reached over to close the door himself, and Tyler gave a polite wave goodbye before following his boyfriend into the house.  
"Hows your stomach?"  
It had been a few days since they last saw each other, Josh chose to stay home and recover physically and mentally.   
"Its getting better, it's only a bit sore now." He muttered, brushing his fingers over the area and wiping his feet on the door mat. "So, where are we going? You promised me a date.".  
Tyler snorted, "No I didn't. I said I'd take you out somewhere. There's this cake shop I wanna try?"

"Whatever. That's a date. When?"

"Whenever you want."  
Josh grinned, "I've never been on a _date_ before. Can we go now?"

-

Josh had previously been enthusiastic and excited to be going out, but as soon as they got in the car to set off, he felt sick with anxiety.

What if someone made fun of him? Of his eye? What if someone hurt him? What if _he_ hurt him? What if _John_ found him again? He was going to be found and taken back, he was sure of it.

"Josh? What's up?"

"I-I don't think I can d-do this,"  
"What do you mean?"  
Josh inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, his legs shaking as he tried to calm himself down. "What's wrong? Do you want to go back?" Tyler worried, looking over at Josh briefly. "Josh"  
"No- I want to go…" he sniffed and sat forward, "W-what if someone hurts me?"

"Josh, no one's going to _hurt_ you."  
"But they'll be looking at me. I don't know why I even bother l-leaving the house- look at my _face_!"  
Josh sounded truly disgusted with himself, but he wasn't crying yet, just complaining because he was sacred.  
"Josh, your face is damn _fine_. No one is going to say anything to you and if they do, they'll have me to answer to."  
Josh giggled at that because Tyler didn't even look scary at all.  
"You think I'm a liar? I mean it."  
Josh scrubbed his face and nodded, "okay."

"We're nearly here. If you want to leave, you need to let me know."

They pulled up in front of the colourful shop, and Josh was in awe. There were cakes in the front window and when they went in, he'd never felt so indulged. He'd had cake before, but it was always plain and this was a _date_.

"Wow," Josh breathed, looking at all of the different goods in the glass cabinets. Tyler squeezed his hand, laughing quietly.  
"What do you want?"  
Josh looked at all of his options. He wanted a rainbow cake, but then he came across an oreo cheesecake and he audibly gasped.

"You're so cute," Tyler laughed, "you want that?"  
Josh nodded happily and Tyler ordered them the same thing.

"I'm so excited for this." He mumbled, sitting on a seat with his arms on the table. He'd chose to roll his sleeves up to his elbows, a contrast to his small breakdown in the car.

Tyler smiled fondly at him and rubbed his hand on his bare arm, and the waitress aproached with their plates.  
"Here… you go." She faltered, taking in Josh's arms, eyes trailing up to his face and settling on his eyes.  
Josh didn't realise, focusing on the food being put down on the table, but Tyler sent her a cold glare and she walked away.

"I don't even want to eat it. It's so perfect," Josh whispered, and for a moment he looked like he was really going to cry.   
"Its nice." Tyler said around a mouthful.   
" _Tyler_ , you were meant to wait for me!"

For their first date, they spent time stuffing themselves with sickening cake and feeding each other it, ending with Josh choking and snorting icing up his nose.

"This is so gross," Josh blew his nose into a tissue and shoved it in his pocket. "Are we going back to yours now?"

Tyler shrugged, but he was already starting the car, "we could go somewhere else?"  
"Nah, I'm tired now. Can we go watch something and cuddle?"  
"Course."

-

"Do you think I'll ever be normal?"

Tyler stopped what he was doing, which was putting fight Club on the DVD player because Josh wanted to see it.  
"Normal?"

Josh shrugged as much as he could with his hands behind his head, laid back comfortably on Tylers bed. "Like… be able to do stuff. Like. Things people do. I don't know. Sex and stuff." He added the last part quietly.

"You don't need _sex_ to be normal," Tyler sighed, inserting the disk and then standing to return to the bed.  
Josh frowned, "I want to… I want to at least not be scared of it."  
Tyler nodded sympathetically and situated himself beside Josh, who shuffled closer and placed his head on his chest.  
"Will we ever try it?"  
"Try what?"  
"Like... _sex_."  
"If… if you wanted to. But only if you were ready. I don't think I could forgive myself if you felt... bad."  
"Kay."

-

"Josh? You still awake?"  
Josh mumbled sleepily in reply and sniffled, wiping his face in the sheets.   
"You gonna put your pyjamas on?"  
Josh groaned and burrowed further into his warm shelter.  
Tyler stretched and then reached for the remote, turning the TV off and snuggling back into Josh's body heat, but instead of closing his eyes, he just observed.  
Josh was so cute… but he was so _sexy_. Even if it was in an unconventional way, with his mouth open, drooling.   
"You're so cute."  
That got a reaction out of Josh, and he finally opened one of his eyes, a small smile on his face.  
"Really?"  
"Mhm. You're so sexy," he whispered, loving the way Josh blushed and shook his head. "You are."  
"Stop it." He murmured, but really he loved the attention.  
"Nope. I can't. You're just so gorgeous," Tyler sighed and lifted a hand to run it through Josh's hair. Josh closed his eyes and bit his lip against a smile, but eventually ended up opening them and giggled bashfully.   
"You really think so?"  
"Yes."  
"I don't believe you," Josh retorted teasingly.  
"No?"  
"Nuh-uh." Josh sniffled closer for a kiss, his arm around Tylers waist, pulling him closer. Tyler hummed, letting their mouths work together lazily before leaving the kiss.   
"Your nose is cold."  
Josh laughed, wiping his red nose, "I think I have a cold."   
"Probably. Come on, we need to get changed now."  
Josh protested quietly but sat up and slid off the bed with Tyler, who went to his drawers and pulled out a pair of blue bottoms.  
Josh took his sweaters from his bad and pulled on his lip with his fingers, "do… do you mind if I don't wear a shirt?"  
"Course not. I'm not wearing one."  
Josh still felt self-conscious, sitting on the floor and tugging his jeans off, quickly replacing them with his joggers and bringing his legs up to his chest to hide behind as he removed his shirt.  
"You don't have to hide yourself from me. I've seen you before. _Nearly_ all of you."  
Josh shrugged and slowly stood, arms wrapped around his chest, "are we going to bed now?"  
"I'm tired. You?"  
Josh yawned in reply and waited for Tyler to get under the covers before following, so he could get comfortable himself.  
"I love you." He said, contentedly.   
"Yeah?"  
"Mhm."  
"I love you, too."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stupid chapter and I'll probably be going up to 30 chapters now because OCD.  
> Not sure what to write anymore??? I never am but.

Josh found comfort in having Tyler lay on top of him as he slept, liking the feel of being completely enveloped by his heat and smell.  
He closed his eyes, running his hands up and down Tylers warm back, breathing his scent in.

Tyler moaned groggily and stirred, his leg moving to wrap itself around one of Josh's.  
Josh bit his lips, rolling his hips up because he had an _erection_ \- something he got a lot but never had the nerve to touch, only feeling shame and disgust.

Tyler cracked an eye open at his motions, automatically grinding back down against Josh and smiling, "Morning,".  
Josh whimpered, pressing up harder, desperate but not willing to say anything.  
"You want something, baby?"   
Josh nodded furiously, "you want me to suck you?"  
Josh considered this- he wanted something, but he didn't want Tyler to see his most ugly parts… "o-okay- please."  
Tyler hummed and slowly moved down his body, kissing down his chest and naval.  
"'M gonna take off your pants, kay?"  
"O-okay."  
Tyler dragged his sweats down as he shuffled down the bed, leaving them at his knees when he couldn't go further.   
Moving back up, he mouthed hotly at Josh's crotch through his underwear, making Josh buck up and cry out- "oh- oh, _please_ \- Tyler-"  
Tyler chucked, hooking his fingers under the waist band of his boxers and looking up for permission before tugging them down.  
Josh fought the urge to cover himself, "dont- p-please don't look-"  
"You're not gonna care in a minute, okay?"  
But Tylers tongue pressed over his hole, and Josh flinched, gasping and moving further up the bed, "N-no-"  
"Okay- okay, baby, I'm sorry, I won't do that anymore,".  
Josh whimpered and relaxed again on the matress, covering his face with an arm and gripping the sheets tight with his other fist as Tyler kissed the tip.  
"O-oh."  
Josh let go of the sheets, reaching his hand down and grappling of one of Tylers. Tyler took the hint and gripped his hand, letting Josh squeeze as he hummed and slowly lowered his mouth down Josh's member, swirling his tongue lewdly.  
"Fuck- _oh God_ ,"  
Tyler smiled around him, closing his eyes contentedly, beginning to bob his head slightly, fighting against his gag reflex that had always been terrible.  
"Jesus- sh-shit-" Josh bucked upwards, effectively choking Tyler who pulled off, heaving.  
"S-sorry, fuck _sorry_ \- it feels so _good_ -" Josh whined, breathing coming in pants.   
"I know," Tyler giggled, gripping Josh in his hand and squeezing before going back down on him, this time sucking harder and faster.   
Josh couldn't stop himself from letting go of Tylers hand, instead moving both of his own to run them over his chest, rubbing his fingers harshly over his piercings.  
He squeaked, and with a tug on his nipples, spasmsed and came into Tylers mouth, his hips thrusting up on their own accord.  
"Fuck, fuck, _ah- ah_ -" he couldn't shut his mouth, and Tyler swallowed audibly around him with a grimace before pulling off.  
"There you go," he murmured, soothing his hand over Josh's quivering stomach muscles, "so good, baby." His voice was raw and Josh forced his eyelids open to look at him.

"S-sorry," he choked out, his mind still blinded by pleasure.  
Tyler shook his head, licking his lips and clambering back up so he could connect his mouth with Joshs, kissing him passionately, teeth clashing together painfully and Josh found his nose being squashed more than once, but he was in a state of euphoria so high he could barely keep his eyes open.

"Josh? You alright?"   
He hasn't even realised that they weren't lip locked anymore, and Tyler hovered over him, looking at him warily.  
Josh grinned lazily, nodding his head slowly with a sigh, "yeah. You... do I need to-"  
"No. No, I'm fine, it's okay- it's all about you," Tyler assured him, stroking his hand through his hair, staring at him fondly.

-

Tyler found Josh even more clingy than usual, following him around the house like a shadow, looming over him when he cooked or washed up, and whining when he had to go to the toilet.

"What's wrong, baby?" He asked softly, Josh burrowed into his side where he sat on the couch.  
"Don't want you to leave me," Josh whispered, pressing harder into him.  
"I'm not gonna leave you."  
Josh shrugged, "love you. Youre mine."  
"Yeah." Tyler sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of Josh's head and returning his attention to the television.   
"Please never leave me."  
"Josh… why would I leave you?" What's wrong?" He asked cautiously.  
"Nothings wrong! I just… you can't leave me."  
"I'm not _going_ to." Tyler reassured him, hoping it would be the end of his worrying for now.  
"But... what if you _do_?" Josh wriggled out of his embrace and looked at him, "What if I can't give you what you want and you leave me? You cant _leave_ me Tyler- I'd _die_. Tyler, I-i'll die without you, fuck- never leave. _No_. No, you should leave, i'll-"  
Josh was on the verge of a panic attack, he was practically hyperventilating and he clutched onto Tylers shoulders for dear life.   
"Josh- Josh, hey, calm down. I'm _not_ leaving you. I'm not going to leave you- are you listening to me?"  
Josh nodded frantically, his eyes wide and his breathing pattern unsteady.   
"You cant do this to yourself. I'm not going to leave you- why would I, huh?"  
"B-because I-"  
"No. I said I'm not. I don't want to. Please stop think I will, okay? It _hurts me_. Do you need your inhaler?"  
Josh sighed shakily and then gave a short nod, settling back against the cushions and swallowing as Tyler went to rummage through his bag for his medication.   
"Have you been taking your steroids?" He asked, removing the cap and shaking it up, handing it to Josh and waiting for an answer.

"No," he mumbled a minute later, "they taste bad and make me feel sick."  
Tyler rolled his eyes, "you need to take them. You could die Josh, don't you care about that?"  
Josh exhaled and rubbed his eyes, "I'm tired."  
Tyler frowned, "okay. You want to sleep here? Or do you want to go home tonight?"  
"Hmm. I wanna go. I want to play my drums- why don't... why don't you come with me? I-I can show you my playing, I've got better now." He said hopefully, hands already holding his phone. As always, Tyler didn't really have a say in it, but he didn't mind. 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah a large update   
> What do you think?  
> What should I write about? Anything anyone wants to read?

Josh's mom had been apprehensive when Josh said he'd be returning with Tyler in tow, but all he had to do what start up the water works and she gave in easily.   
"Mom, please, I'll do _anything_ ," he'd cried, a malicious glint in his eyes. Tyler watched In mild horror as he manipulated them and even offered _sexual favours_ , which was of course the biggest reason he'd been allowed to stay.

"Josh, do you still see your counsellor? What was his name… Dave?"  
Josh scowled and crossed his arms, " _No_. Why would I?" He grumbled.  
"Because you need to be talking to someone," Tyler sighed, making sure his cat was fed before packing some things for the daunting night he'd be having at Josh's home.  
Josh rolled his eyes and smiled, "I don't need to talk to anyone, I got you," he scoffed, elbowing Tyler lightly and eyeing his movements.  
Definite mood swings. He'd been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Tyler had forgot which one.  
"I want a cat. Your cat is so cute." Josh mumbled, clicking his fingers to attract the cat that strolled into the room.  
"They're assholes. Your mum wouldn't get you one?"  
"No. She said she _hates_ them," he sighed longingly and frowned.

-

Laura squirmed uncomfortably in her seat, and Bill stood from his with a grunt, finding himself unable to stand the situation that was Josh curling up in Tylers lap, arms winding around his neck.   
Tyler felt just as awkward, chancing uncertain glances to the others in the room, and blushing at the badly hidden giggles from Josh's sister Abigail.  
"Josh- I really don't think this is suitable…"  
"Shut up." He uttered back, digging his fingers painfully into the top of Tylers back.

Laura cleared her throat and straightened, "Josh, why don't you go show Tyler your drums? He's been playing them a lot lately," she gave a wry smile.  
"Liar. I got _stabbed_ \- I haven't played in nearly a week," Josh snapped, but slid off his seat anyway, sauntering from the room and beckoning for Tyler to follow him.

His sister gave him an apologetic smile as he walked past, wringing his hands together. God, Josh was making him _anxious_.

"What you gonna play for me, baby?" He asked, following Josh into his room.  
"Nothing. My stomach hurts. Just wanna lay down." He mumbled, "lay with me," it wasn't a question, and he grabbed Tyler by his shirt, dragging him down onto the bed next to him.  
"Does it hurt bad? Do you need something to ease the pain?"  
Josh grimaced but denied, "can you just-" He picked Tylers hand up, placing it on his stomach, above the healing wound, "stroke here? R-really gentle."  
Humming, Tyler moved his hand in slow circles, making Josh sigh and relax against the sheets  
"S'nice,".

They stayed like that for a while, Tyler rubbing Josh's stomach until Josh drifted into sleep. Tyler smiled and stilled his hand, moving closer so his head was in the crook of Josh's neck, not sleeping, just taking the time to stay with Josh.

He loved Josh. He loved him, but he wasn't sure in what way. It wasn't _sexual_ \- he found it hard to think of Josh sexually with his attitude and past, but of course he'd never deny him...  
Was there any other ways of loving someone? Other than lust or personality? Friendship? Family?  
He definitely didn't see him _that_ way.

He didn't know how long he'd sat there, just thinking, but it hit him suddenly that he'd forgot to talk to his family in a while- he'd been cutting himself off from people since he and Josh had gotten close. His mom would love the gossip. He'd have to update her as soon as possible.  
It also came to his attention that he'd had two days with no appointments- he'd have to call his clients and see how they were. He worried often when he got to know someone.

"You woke me up by thinking too much." He heard, Josh turning over to stare at his face. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing. Just thinking about work," he replied, not entirely true but not a lie either. "Nice sleep?"  
Josh frowned. "No. I had a dream… but. It's whatever."  
"You don't want to talk about it?"  
"No. What time is it?"  
Tyler checked his phone, "only three. What do you wanna do?"  
Josh groaned, "there's literally _nothing_ to do. I wish we could just... go for a walk or… I don't know what boyfriends even do."

Tyler sat up on his elbow, "we could go for a walk. We could… honestly, I don't even know what, either."  
"So… how many boyfriends have you had, then?"  
Tyler puffed out his cheeks in thought. Not many.  
"Not many. Maybe two. Had a few dates, but… none of them beat you."  
Josh flushed, "Stop lying." He mumbled, "I can't even let you fuck me."  
Why did it always turn to this?  
"Josh- I've told you. I don't _care_ about that."

"You do but you don't want to hurt me," Josh sighed dejectedly and sat up, pulling his jumper and shirt down. "We should like. Stay up late and eat and stuff," he suggested, despite knowing it was a was a bad idea, but Tyler smiled and said it was a great idea.

-

By twelve, Josh was already beginning to feel the effects of not being asleep. And he wasn't just tired, which was mostly from his medication, but his mind was whirling. He didn't want to be around anyone, let alone Tyler who curled up behind him, breathing on his neck as they both silently watched a horror film.

He didn't want to be scared, especially not with Tyler, but everytime Tyler moved to get comfortable or made a comment or sniffled, Josh had to force himself not to flinch or hit him. Why was he even _scared_?

He couldn't contain himself when Tyler stroked his palm over his hip, he had to snap.  
"Can you _not?_ "  
He pushed Tylers hand away before turning around and deciding to push him away entirely. Hearing Tyler thud against the wall with a hiss of pain made him happy.

"Josh?"  
Josh ignored him and lay back down, his arm under his head.   
Tyler didn't make another move for five minutes, and then Josh felt his touch again.  
"Tyler! Get _off_ me!" He whimpered, rolling away and landing on the floor because he only had a single bed.  
"Fuck- Josh are you okay?" Tyler scrambled to the floor after him, his hands fluttering out to his face and body, checking if he was hurt.  
"Don't touch me."  
But Tyler didn't fucking stop.  
"I said don't touch me! Get your hands _off_ me!" He screamed, slapping Tylers hands and kicking out at him. "What don't you understand?! Are you that fucking _stupid_?"

He stood up, towering over Tyler on he floor and storming over to his bedroom door to find his mom blocking his exit.  
"Josh-"  
"Move."  
"No. Josh-"  
"Get out of my fucking way _now_ , or I swear I'll punch you in the face. _Move_."  
Laura paled and stumbled to the side, Josh aggressively pushing past her and locking himself in the bathroom.

Tyler sat in shock for a moment, trying to register what was going on before taking any further action.  
"What the fuck is he doing? What's going on?"  
While Laura stammered an answer, Tyler stood shakily and walked to the bathroom door, knocking on it.

"Josh, let me in."

"Leave me alone!"  
Josh was crying now, but Tyler wasnt sure if he preferred it over aggression.  
"Josh, _please_ open the door. Let me talk to you."  
He felt pressure on the door, banging. Josh hitting some part of his body on it- wether it was his head or hands or feet, Tyler was unsure.  
"Stop-"

"No. You stop. Everyone shut up. Everyone just fucking-" Josh heaved in a breath, his chest jumping and lungs painful. "You have no idea."

"Josh, please listen to me-"

"No! You listen to me! I'm sick of this. Y-you have no idea. You have no idea what this i-is like. I f-fucking _hate_ my life. I h-hate this all so much."

Tyler swallowed the lump in his throat, glancing to where his parents stood silently.  
"I w-wish I wasn't here. I wish I was still _there_. At least it was normal a-and I didn't have to face reality." Josh sobbed, scraping his nails across the bathroom flooring, "I hate everyone. I fucking hate _people_. I just w-want to kill everyone. Everyone. I hate you _all._ "

Both of his parents were crying.

"You have no idea what happened to me- you don't know the half of it… fuck," Josh's voice was raw, "You don't know what he made me do! Please, oh _God_!" A series of bangs.  
"It hurts so much. It _hurts_. Please… you have no idea… fuck."  
"I wasn't... I wasn't the only one either- H-he used to bring others in. There was a seven year old! _Seven_!" He wailed, banging his feet on the floor, "he made me-" there was a series of gags and Tyler could feel hot tears running down his face.  
"What does that make me, huh?!" Josh's cries were screamed out, his throat wrecked.  
"You have no idea. You have no idea. You have no idea what it was like." A mantra. It lasted forever. He was inconsolable. He went silent for a minute and that's when everyone panicked.

"Josh, let me in. Please just let me in there with you- I'm not going to stop you from crying."  
"Josh, _please_. I'm begging you. Please let me see you, baby. I love you so much." Tylers voice cracked involuntarily and he heard Josh give a shuddering sigh, and then the lock went.

Tyler inhaled deeply and gave a last, reassuring look to his parents before opening the door enough to enter the bathroom.

Josh had curled himself up by the toilet, much like when Tyler first met him at the hospital and Josh's father said he'd found him there, and he was almost naked, par his boxer briefs.

"Josh, baby, it's cold." Tyler whispered softly, crouching down and inching closer to the shivering Josh. It had all escalated so quickly- he had no idea what to do.

"Tyler? Is he okay in there?" Came the muffled voice from outside.  
"Y-yeah. He'll be out soon."

"Baby, you wanna get out from there?"  
"Okay," he mumbled tearfully, using his elbows to push himself out of the safe, enclosed space, into the danger of the open space outside of it.  
"Can I touch you?" Tyler asked cautiously, his fingers twitching. Josh nodded and held his arms out, making grabby hands. Tyler immediately hugged him tightly, pulling him in close. Josh cried openly onto his neck.

"Why?" Josh sobbed brokenly, "Why me? Why am I still alive?"  
"Because I need to to be, okay? We all do."  
"I-I try so hard, Tyler. I'm so _tired_. I try so hard to be n-normal and it _doesn't work_. I just want to cry constantly but I can't because everyone will be dissapointed."  
"Josh, baby, no one will be upset if you stop pretending. Please just do what's best for you, please baby. I love you. I _love_ you- I just want to help you. I can't lose you."  
"I'm so scared- I'm scared of everything. I don't want to be afraid anymore."  
"Baby, I know. I know. But it's okay. I'm here- I'm here baby, you're never gonna get hurt again." Tyler assured, choking back tears and trying hard to keep his voice steady.

"I'm so tired. I'm so tired." Josh hiccuped. Tyler closed his eyes, rocking him gently.  
"I know. Let's go back to your room, yeah? We can go to sleep. I'll sleep downstairs if you want me to."  
"S-stay with me."  
"Okay, baby, let's get up. Let's go lay down, alright?"

He helped Josh up off the floor, not bothering to collect his clothes because Josh didn't seem to care himself. He opened the door, slowly escorting Josh to his room.

He helped him to lay on his side in bed, pulling he covers over him before climbing in front of him. "You wanna cuddle me, baby?"

Josh nodded, sniffing hard and wrapped his arms around Tylers waist and pulling him closer.

"Please don't leave me."


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all know how I like to keep you waiting so this is mostly a chapter to build up to the real one. 
> 
> Idk not really liking this chapter but when do I ever

"Tyler? Tyler please wake up."   
Josh was sure. He was so certain that someone was in the room. He'd seen it- someone shift in the corner. Eyeing him maliciously, probably waiting for Tyler to leave and Josh to slip up.

"Tyler- _Tyler_ he's going to hurt me," he whimpered desperately, shaking him by his shoulder. He felt bad because he'd probably kept him up all night, but it was seven in the morning now so why wasn't he waking up?  
"Ty, T-Ty please. He's coming to get- he's coming to _get_ me!" Raising his voice made Tylers eyes flutter, his head turning and Josh felt a spark of hope.  
"Josh?"  
"Tyler- oh, thank God you're awake. Fuck- h-he's here."  
"Who? What?" Tyler mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes and shifting into a sitting position, looking around wearily.  
"I-I think- I don't know," He whispered helplessly. God he was so _stupid_.  
"There's nothing there. Look." Tyler slowly stood, shaking Josh's hand off his arm and reaching to turn the light on. Josh gasped in anticipation, expecting to see Mister lurking, but frowned when there was nothing.  
"I'm sure I saw..."  
"You were probably just tired, baby." Tyler sighed, moving back to sit on the edge of the matress, yawning, "do you think you could go back to sleep?"

Josh shrugged, laying down again, knowing he wouldnt but he didn't want to burden Tyler anymore.  
So, Tyler settled beside him on his back, closing his eyes and letting Josh get comfortable under his arm.  
He blinked slowly, staring at the wall past him, trying to keep his mind blank and not think, not annoy Tyler like he always did.

But it wasn't long before Tyler could feel Josh shuddering, trying hard to contain his cries.

"Josh? Oh, baby, what's wrong?"  
Josh whined, hiding his face but unable to stay quiet as he started to sob into Tylers side, getting spit everywhere.   
"Josh," Tyler sighed, running his hand up Josh's bare back softly, staring up at the ceiling, "tell me."  
" _No_."  
Tyler looked down at him, moving his hand to stroke the side of his face instead, Josh turning his face to nuzzle his hand.  
"Love you, Josh. No one's gonna hurt you."  
"Okay." Josh sniffled, not believing Tyler. Tyler didn't love him. He forced Tyler to love him, just like _Mister_ forced Josh to.  
"I'm just like him."  
"Hm?"  
"I-I'm just like… I'm just like _Mister_."  
Tyler made a noise of confusion, "What?"  
"I'm like him, because I f-force you to do things like he did-"  
"Josh; no. No, don't say that. You're not- baby, you're not like him, okay? I promise, I don't ever feel forced." Tyler rushed to say, squeezing him tighter.  
"B-but I feel like I _do_ -"  
"You _don't_ ," Tyler insisted. "Please believe me."

-

"I think they've all gone, now."  
They'd laid awake for a couple of hours, hearing the family bustle around, getting ready for work and school. Josh's mom popper her head around the door, letting Josh know she had to go out for a few hours. Josh insisted he'd be fine with Tyler, and felt his insides twist at the thought that came to mind.  
"Yeah, can't hear anyone," Tyler replied nonchalantly, eyes glued to a TV show that he'd chosen to put on.

"Tyler, should we have sex?" Josh blurted, fiddling with his fingers.  
Tyler turned to him, eyes wide and his mouth slightly agape, " _What_?"  
Josh pursed his lips, looking down at his hands, "I-I thought... Maybe we could have sex while everyone is out?" Josh knew he probably should have been doing something sexy, like kissing him or running a finger up his chest like in the movies, but he was too awkward for that.

Tyler cleared his throat, "Do you think… that you're ready for that? I mean, fuck, I've been assuming I'll top. I'll bottom for you, alright? But I need to shower first and-"  
Josh scrunched his face up. Bottom? Top? "What do you mean _bottom_?" He asked incredulously.

Tyler looked at him blankly then giggled softly, "Josh, it means… it means that you'd be the one… putting your dick in me, to put it simply."

Josh flushed, his stomach turning, "Tyler, I-I can't do that. I'd mess up- I'll _hurt_ you. I don't know how."  
"Josh, we don't have to do anything, I just don't know how well you'd cope if… yknow. I had to do that. To you."

Josh huffed, crossing his arms defensively over his chest, "I suggested it. I'm not a baby- i can take it."  
"Josh, _God_ , it's not about taking it. You're not going to take it- we're in this together. So I'm going to have a shower, and then we can talk about it, okay?"

Josh sighed, and Tyler stood from the bed, opening the door and padded across the small landing to the bathroom. He was unsure about this, especially seeing Josh's clothes strewn over the bathroom floor after the previous nights events. He didn't think it was the right time, but if Josh wanted it…

"Tyler, I really don't want to… top. Please don't make me." He heard Josh's faint pleading, and quickly turned back to the room.   
"I don't know how to… I don't want to, please, I only know how to get _fucked_ -"  
"Josh, don't put it that way. That's not what we're doing." Tyler sat down next to him. "How will you cope with taking me, Josh? Do you really think you could do it?"  
Josh shrugged, "I want to try to. Please."  
Tyler nodded, "okay…why don't we both shower together and we can just... go from there, yeah?"

-

"Do I need to like, clean a lot... _down there_?" Josh asked quietly, holding a sponge over his genitals so he could hide behind it.  
"Well, yeah, I guess."  
Josh flushed, his chest and neck turning red. "Okay… can you get out? And I'll come out... after."  
Tyler smiled reassuringly, "okay, baby. Just shout if you need me, alright?" He gave Josh a kiss before stepping out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself and walking back to Josh's room. He set to tidying the room, sorting the cushions and blankets out so everything was more comfortable.

He was anxious, but he knew it could be nowhere near as scared as Josh must have felt. How had Josh even gathered the nerve for this? He'd been repeatedly raped and tortured for years upon years and now he wanted to have sex? It was just... it didn't make sense, but he wasn't going to deny him anything. He probably wanted to experiment like a normal teenager after so long of being treated like an object.

And Tyler really needed to stop thinking of everything, because he'd end up crying. The thought of Josh, innocent, childish Josh, being so hurt… it wasn't right.

He sniffed, wiping his face and unwrapping the towel from his waist, using it to dry himself off leisurely, trying to keep his mind on track for the upcoming events.

Fuck. They needed lube- they needed condoms. Was Josh clean? Surely they'd tested him a few times for diseases, but lube was a must.   
He wasn't the kind of person to carry it around with him, and there was no way he would be using anything less than the best for Josh.

He knocked softly on the bathroom door, "Josh, I need to go to the shop for some stuff. Ill be right back, okay?"

-

Josh shivered as he laid down on the bed sheets, that had obviously been rearranged, naked. He heard Tyler coming back through the door, removing his shoes.

Nothing had even happened an his breathing was already unsteady.  
He wanted this, though. He wanted to make Tyler happy, and he just wanted… he wanted to know what it was like to have sex. _Real_ sex.

"I'm back, Josh. I got a couple of different things." Tyler called, walking up the stair case. He opened the bedroom door slowly, and Josh had to force himself not to pull a blanket over himself, but he still curled in on himself.  
"W-what did you get?"

Tyler stripped himself of his jacket and then shirt, so Josh felt more comfortable, sitting down on the bed with him, opening the black paper bag he held.  
"It was kind of embarrassing, but whatever. Here." He tipped the bag, letting the contents tumble out, "I got some normal lube, obviously. Just plain- but I got some of this, too. It's warming lube. We should probably wait to use that, but I thought if you wanted to try anything else… we could... experiment a bit more."

Josh picked up the two tubes curiously, scanning them over. "What do these do?" He asked quietly. That hurt Tyler. He'd been used so many times and he didn't know what lube was…  
"Its… it helps things become easier- it like… well, you'll see."  
Josh hummed, picking up the box of condoms next, "Condoms…?"  
"I… they go on… your dick." Tyler said bluntly, not knowing how else to go about it.  
Josh grimaced and dropped them back on the bed, "okay. Can we kiss now?"

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took sooo long to write. I rewrote it a tonne and I'm still unsure.  
> It's kinda... it sucks but I spent so much time on it.
> 
> I rushed it towards the end so sorry

Tyler leant forward, fluttering his fingers around Josh's face, down the left side of his head, to rest on his jawline, tilting his head up so he could move forward. He pressed his lips to Josh's own, finding them drier than usual. Nerves.

Josh pressed against him harder, deepening the kiss but the pulling away briefly to lay himself back against the head board, beckoning for Tyler to move down with him.  
Tyler covered his body with his own, using his forearms to hold himself up as to not hurt him- or put pressure on his still scabbing stab wound

He nuzzled Josh's neck, opening his mouth to place hot, wet kisses on the sensetive skin. Josh gasped, turning his head to the side with closed eyes as Tyler began to nibble, lightly grazing his teeth over his neck, then further down his chest. He dared not go further to his pectorals- not sure If Josh would like that, with his piercings he never took out.  
  
"T-Ty- feels good," Josh uttered, tongue poking out between his teeth to wet his lips, which Tyler copied, licking over Josh's mouth and removing the attention from his chest.  
"Get- take your clothes off. I-I wanna see-"  
Tyler nodded furiously, getting up on his knees to unbutton his jeans, but Josh pushed him away.  
"N-not like that. Not… over me."  
Tyler apologised, shifting off Josh and standing up instead to tug his jeans and boxer briefs down slowly, to give Josh time and potentially - hopefully - turn him on.

Behind him, Josh lightly prodded his fingers into his chest and stomach, liking the sensations as he watched Tyler undress himself.  
He admired Tylers back, and his arse though he wasn't sure if that was a thing you were supposed to be attracted to.  
Tyler turned and Josh let his eyes roam over his body- he had nice skin, unlike Josh, but…  
"What's that?"  
Josh pointed to the expanse of Tylers stomach, where he could see faint white lines running across it.  
Tyler simply shook his head clambering back beside Josh, "Nothing. We can talk about it later if you still want to," he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. Josh nodded, deciding to let it go, and flung his leg over Tylers waist, bringing him in for a sloppy, uncoordinated kiss

  
Tyler breathed through his nose, letting Josh lick into his mouth luxuriously, the wet noises filling the room.  
Tyler splayed his hand over Josh's pectorals, slowly manoeuvring down to his navel, stopping at his waist to wait for Josh's breathy moan of approval, as he slipped down and gripped Josh's member in his hand. He was already hard and even leaking, clear precum oozing delightfully. He bucked his hips forward, mouth leaving Tylers to whimper pathetically.

Tyler skimmed his hand up and down his shaft, barely applying pressure, but doing so to make him more wet so he didn't have to pull out the lube just yet.  
"It- it feels wierd in some places. Like I-I can't feel it."  
Tyler hummed in response.  
"God, you're _dripping_ ," he _was_.  
Josh flushed, "Dont- don't talk about me like that."  
"Okay, sorry baby." Tyler apologised quietly and started slowly stroking Josh, watching his foreskin pull up and over, and down again, dragging the pre over his shaft.  
Josh moaned brokenly at the torturously drawn out movements, his hips jerking up to meet Tylers fist.  
"Oh God, please don't _tease_ me," Josh whined, throwing his head back onto the pillow, and Tyler heard the faint thump of his skull catching the headboard.  
Tyler smirked and stopped completely, bringing a hand to like the bitter slime from his fingers. Josh gaped at him, going impossibly redder, "Tyler," he uttered.  
Tyler hummed, "What now? What do you need?"  
Josh chewed on his lips, making them even more red than they previously had been. "I-I don't know- what comes next? You... I guess just do what you need to?"  
"M'kay."  
Tyler sat back on his knees, reaching behind him for the lube and condoms, taking out a single packet and removing the plastic wrap from the lid of the plain lubrication.  
"I really, _really_ need you to tell me if you want to stop, alright? Or even if you just need a minute."  
Josh nodded nonchalantly. "No, Josh, you need to talk to me. I don't want you to… have a flashback."  
Josh flinched at the word, the thought of it, "I won't. I'll tell you, I promise, just… do something."

He uncapped the tube, squirting it over three of his fingers, eyes flicking to Josh's momentarily before slathering it over the three fingers, including some on the fourth too.  
He brought his hand down, but Josh stopped him, "W-what are you going to do?"  
Tyler hated, despised, knowing that not once out of all the times he'd been with _him_ , he'd never been prepped properly. It made his heart hurt.

"I need to put my fingers in, okay? But it shouldn't hurt too bad- I need to stretch you out so I can… fit."  
Josh's eyes widened in alarm, "your fingers? Why would you... I-I don't need it-"  
"Yes, you do."  
"No, really, I can take it-"  
"I am not doing this without." Tyler said sternly, but kept a soft edge to his voice so he wouldnt get scared.  
Josh closed his eyes, swallowing loudly, "okay- okay."

Tyler took a deep breath, preparing himself because he was terrified of hurting or scaring Josh.  
"Right. Im putting one finger in now."  
Josh inhaled sharply as Tyler moved his hand down, circling a finger around his hole before dipping in slowly, cautiously.  
"Okay?"  
Josh grimaced, turning his face to the side, "Y-yeah."  
Tyler began to move his finger, small wriggling movements to begin with, not attempting to find any pleasure spots just yet.  
He stayed that way for a moment, not thrusting because that wouldn't help just yet with the shortness of his finger.  
"Can I add another?" he asked, voice a mere whisper, and he started tapping his fingers on Josh's inner thigh soothingly, a distraction.  
"Uhm- I. Yeah."  
Tyler moved his other finger, squashing it close to his other, and slowly pushed him through the tight ring of muscle.  
Josh gasped, his leg bending slightly, "oh- g-god, that's..."  
"Is it hurting? Do you want me to stop?"  
"No- it's just… it hurts a little, but i-i can take it."  
So, Tyler continued to move his fingers, scissoring them as much as he could, and eventually working up to three. That was a hard one for Josh, who squirmed and tensed up, almost cutting the circulation in Tylers fingers off.  
"Hey- hey, Josh, baby, it's okay." Tyler soothed, kissing his thighs and nuzzling against them, "try to relax, okay?"  
Josh held his breath, feeling pained but not… he didn't want to stop. He wanted this so badly and he was only a little scared- only a little afraid that somehow, sweet Tyler would turn into _Mister_ and stop trying so hard. Stop trying at all- just fuck him and leave him bleeding for days...

"Josh?"  
"Sorry, just… bad th-thought."  
Tyler frowned, stilling completely, "be honest- do I need to stop? I won't be mad, you _know_ I won't."  
Josh considered it- did he need to stop? He felt uncomfortable, exposed. A little dirty… but he asked for this. He _did_ want it.

"No. Please don't stop. I want this."  
"Okay, just… try not to think about him- is this okay?"  
"Yes."  
Tyler pursed his lips, curling his fingers up and feeling the different texture, pressing up against it and successfully making Josh shudder and then gasp. Finally- he was thinking there was something wrong with Josh's anatomy, unwilling to doubt his own skills.  
"Th-that was… nice?" But he wriggled uncomfortably.  
"What? Is it hurting?" He thought he'd found a good Spot…  
"No, its- my back hurts. That felt good."  
Tyler could see why- laid on his back, trying hard to raise his butt up so Tyler could have access, using his legs to hold himself up, but his back was set straight and had to hurt.  
"Uh- okay, let's... I'm gonna have to take my fingers out, okay? And then just turn on your side."  
"M-my side?"  
"Yeah. It'll make it easier, alright?"  
Josh swallowed nervously, and Tylers fingers left him. He cringed at the feeling, but slowly turned onto his left side- he came to realise he preferred it this way because he could smother himself with the pillow.

Tyler shifted, and pressed himself close behind Josh, a hand soothing down his side.  
"I'm gonna finger you again. Do you want me to try four?"  
Josh was tired of having fingers up his arse -it was embarrassing and he just wanted to get on with it. Tyler said it would feel nice and he wanted _that_.  
"Can you… can we just do it? I hate waiting." He asked apprehensively, rubbing his face on the pillow, watching Tyler from the corner of his eyes.  
Tyler sucked in a breath, "are you sure? Like, really? Are you sure you don't need more-"  
"Tyler, please."  
"O-okay. Okay. Right. Let's, uhm..." Tyler shuffled around, getting himself comfortable and in the correct position to be able to pay attention to Josh and not just his own dick.  
"Just lift your leg up for me, okay?"  
Josh did so, lifting it awkward while Tyler fumbled with a condom, struggling to put it on and sighing with relief when he did.  
"Not-Josh, not like that, like this." Tyler held back his laughter, seeing the way Josh had lifted his leg because he didn't know what to do with himself. Tyler helped him bend his leg and hooked his arm under his knee.

"I-I've never done it like this before. Will it hurt?" Josh asked, his fingers drawing patterns on the bed covers.  
"It... Yeah, it hurts. But I promise it will get better, and it will start to feel good, and if it doesn't then I'll stop, okay?"  
"I'm scared…" he said quietly, disguising it as a cough afterwards, turning his face to hide.  
Tyler kissed his freckled shoulder, "I know. I know, I am too, okay? But I'm gonna be so gentle, I'm trying not to hurt you, alright? Do you trust me?"

"...Okay. Do it. I'm ready." He mumbled after a moment, crushing his eyes shut and preparing himself for the worst.  
Tyler steadied himself with his elbow on the mattress, encouraging Josh to hold his own leg up while Tyler moved his hand down, grasping his own previously ignored erection firmly, pulling a few times to make sure he was fully hard, and ready.

Jutting his hips forward, he guided himself to Josh's entrance, not taking his eyes off the back of his head. He began pushing in slowly, feeling Josh seize up immediately. Tyler hushed him, running one of his hands through his hair.

"Ow- _oww_." Josh whined, his face contorting in pain, "f-fuck- that _hurts_."  
Tyler kissed the back of his head, "I know- I know, baby, it's okay. I've got you- it's me. I love you. Try to relax, yeah?"  
Josh gritted his teeth, breathing through his nose as Tyler pushed on inch by inch, his arm hooking under Josh's knee again to hold it up.

Once Tyler was in as much as possible, by the noise Josh made there was no way he could push it further, he burrowed his face into his shoulder, breathing hotly onto his skin. He felt _amazing_.

"I forgot how much it hurt," Josh uttered, his voice strained. He reached down with his hand, searching for the one that Tyler had on his leg and holding onto it as much as he could in the awkward position, squeezing it tightly.  
"I can stop."  
Josh chewed the inside of his cheek, eyes fluttering closed as he let his head fall back down to the pillow. "N-no."

So, Tyler let Josh adjust, of course, unmoving par the hand that he made small motions with over Josh's heated skin, occasionally unable to prevent his hips jumping. A reflex.

"It still hurts." Josh's sighed, "can you rub my back? Like, at the bottom."  
"You're gonna have to hold your leg up for me."  
Tyler let his leg down, instead bringing his hand to the base of Josh's spine, massaging his fingers into the bone gently. Josh chose to simply rest his foot on his other calf, keeping the limb bent so Tyler had easy access.

"Feels better. I-I think it's getting better now, it's different than…"  
Tyler stopped him there, "I know. I know. Can I move?"  
"You promise it'll feel good?"  
"Promise."  
"Okay."

Tyler starred moving his hips minutely. Josh felt amazing around him, hot and wet, and Tyler wanted to go  _hard_ like he usually would, but he loved Josh. He had to be considerate- Josh deserved that.

Just as he began to think of how Josh definitely wasn't one of the tightest he'd had, Josh let out a soft moan, his back arching. "Oh god- th-that..."

"Y-Yeah? There?" Tyler shifted his hips, so he was further up the bed, and thrusted his hips in small, grinding circles, watching as Josh's mouth dropped open and he twitched, the skin over his stomach quivering. "God, that feel good, baby?"

Josh made a choked noise, his face scrunching up in a  _good_ way, and Tyler pulled his hips back, pushing back in smoothly. He began going just slightly faster, enough to get himself off but not cause Josh any more discomfort. 

"Kiss me- p-please kiss me," Josh groaned, his head tilted back. Tyler connected their lips and they panted into eachothers mouths, though they hadn't really done enough to be worn out. Excitement. Tyler was so fucking happy- he was proud. 

There were wet noises in the room, embarrassing and gross noises that made Josh turn red, wishing he was able to just shut his mouth and stop making all the sounds, but he felt so good. He felt fucking high. He was so close- he had that figured out now. The clenching in his abdomen told him, and his mouth left Tylers with a string of spit following. 

"I-I'm- I think I'm... I'm close." He gritted out, bravely humping his hips back as Tyler thrust forward.

"Yeah? Me too..." Tyler exhaled through his nose and pressed his forehead into Josh's shoulder blade, watching his cock work in and out. There was a small amount of blood but that was to be expected. "So...good- _fuck_ ," Tylers hips stuttered and he made an embarrassing noise, stilling as he came hard into the condom, Josh pressing back against him desperately, unwilling to let Tyler stop now, not when he was so nearly done.

Tyler rolled his hips a few times, riding through his orgasm, aware of Josh's needy noises in front of him. "Tyler- Tyler,  _please_ let me come, please, please, please-"

He wrapped a hand around Josh's cock, stroking him roughly and allowing Josh to push through the tight ring of his fist, "Ah- ah, fuck, fuck, _oh-"_ Josh gave a final, garbled moan as his cum splattered over Tylers fingers that he kept moving, some on the bed sheets. He carried on groaning, his mouth open wide, literally drooling, body spasming endlessly and twitching  even after Tyler stopped touching him, pulling out. Josh yelped at that, disliking the feeling but Tyler was quick to calm him. 

"Josh,  _fuck,_ Josh- I'm so in love with you." Tyler was  _crying._

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a very interesting chapter but whatever. Finally getting close to the end now. I'm thinking of making a sequel but I'm not sure

Josh felt himself relax into the matress, feeling completely euphoric and even in power with the way Tyler was babbling, clutching onto his side and kissing his neck needily. It felt good not to be the one crying for once.   
Josh closed his eyes, and Tyler situated himself under his arm, rubbing his face into his side. The roles really _were_ reversed.  
"I love you Josh- I love you so much," Tyler cried, actually cried, and Josh almost felt too tired to reply, but he still whispered it back.  
"I'm just so… I'm so _proud_ of you." Tyler sniffled. Josh really didn't expect him to cry… Was it because he was bad? Was this his fault?   
No. He couldn't let the bad thoughts take over now...  
But he couldn't hold onto the happiness, peace, anymore as the thoughts started to cloud his rational thoughts and the pain started to ebb away at him.  
"I-I need the bathroom," he stuttered, suddenly pushing Tyler away and standing. Tyler whimpered, watching as Josh quickly walked - limped - away from him.  
"Josh? What's wrong?" He called after him, biting his nails as he waited for an answer. He got none, and he sighed. The happy moment was over and he had to act like an adult again.

Josh stumbled into the too small bathroom, a feeling of claustrophobia engulfing him but he still locked the door behind him.  
He felt _filthy_ \- why did he feel so dirty? It was already over, so why did he feel bad now? He wanted the good feeling back…

He got to his knees on the floor, running his hands over his legs and then further down, pressing his fingers to his sore arse.  
He hurt- he hurt badly. He hurt- there was _blood_. Why didn't Tyler stop if there was blood? Oh God, he was bleeding. He was going to die. Why did he let stupid things happen?

He felt like there were bugs crawling inside his skin, scratching at his arms and legs desperately, trying to get them out. He needed out.

Mister would be so mad- letting another man fuck him, and enjoying it! He fucking liked it. He was disgusting.

_Mister had been gone for three days, and he'd told Josh he'd be back in one. One. It had been three... or had it?_   
_But Josh wasn't alone- no. Mister had someone upstairs- John. He was there to keep Josh in line, but he wasn't allowed to enter the basement._   
_Josh was so thirsty, he was hungry and filthy and he was lonely. He just wanted someone there- someone to touch him._

_That's why, he reasoned with himself, he started screaming, thrashing against the hard surface he'd been chained to for so long. He yelled as loud as he could, his throat tearing until he started to cough blood, and choke. But it was the choking and gagging that finally got him attention, and he made a noise of triumph when the door creaked open, a sliver of light shining on his face, blinding him momentarily._   
_And then he regretted ever wanting someone to touch him again._

_Mister didn't come home for days after, and his friend was there all the time from then on. But John touched Josh in ways he wasn't supposed to- he gagged Josh with a strap- it had something dirty that touched the back of his throat and made him vomit all over himself. He was whipped until he bled and the man could see his muscles quiver through the flesh and little fat he had._

_And when Mister finally returned, Josh sobbed and begged for mercy, begged for his help, begged for his touch. But Josh was filthy. He didn't want to touch him anymore._

"Josh?! Josh, what's going on in there?!"  
Tyler was close to yelling, banging his fist on the white wooden door. Josh had disappeared, Tyler followed and it didn't take long until Josh started screaming and he heard loud thuds from behind the door.  
He panicked because they'd just had sex- good sex, and for a few minutes after he'd been fine, but now… now he'd left to lock himself away and have a flashback.  
"Josh! Open the door!"  
No reply, again, but Josh stopped yelling.  
"Josh, open the door for me baby, please."  
Tyler groaned and let his head slam on the door, looking at the floor, trying not to think of the worst.   
"Baby, please don't shut me out..."  
He heard Josh sniffle and then cry again, and Tyler felt awful.   
"Momma."  
Tyler perked up, pressing his ear to the door, "What?"  
" _Momma_ , m-mom-" Josh whimpered again.  
"Okay- okay, I-i'll call your mom. Do you want some clothes?" Josh had went into the bathroom naked.  
"Mommy." The shower went and Tyler rushed back to the bedroom, fumbling to find his phone through the sheets and clothing.  
Once he did, he pulled up Lauras contact, and with shaking hands, dialed it and pressed the phone to his ear, biting the nails of his other hand as he waited for her to pick up, listening to the shower pressure increase.

"Hello?"  
"Oh, thank God. Y-you need to come home, Josh needs you, now."  
"Tyler, I'm _shopping_ ," Laura hissed, presumably getting flustered in whatever high end store she was in.  
"H-he's locked himself in the bathroom, he asked for you, please-"  
"He… he asked for _me_?"  
"…yes."  
There was a moment of silence, "okay. I'm coming back now."

Tyler sighed with relief and hung up, moving back to standing outside the bathroom door, "your moms coming, baby. She'll be here soon, okay?"  
It was only a few minutes before she was busting through the door, dropping the bags on the floor and ascending the stairs.  
"What's wrong? What happened?"  
"I-I don't know." Tyler lied- well, it wasn't entirely a lie…  
"Why are you in your boxers?" She snapped, her hand working on the door handle. Tyler flushed and turned away, moving back to the bedroom to redress himself.

"Josh, it's momma, I'm here. Open up." It was only a few seconds before Tyler heard the lock go and Laura entered the bathroom, Tyler lingered outside of it.   
"Oh, baby, here." Josh was naked and shivering, not caring about being exposed. His mom wrapped a towel around him and pulled him into her chest protectively. Josh sobbed into her skin and fisted her clothes.  
"Momma... mom, I h-hurt."  
Tylers stomach flipped and Laura glared at him ferociously, "why, baby? Where are you hurt?" Josh sniffled, his eyes flickering up to catch Tylers for the smallest moment, before he said something so quietly Tyler didn't hear.

Laura cleared her throat, "Tyler, I'd like you to leave now, please. Josh will call you when he's ready."  
Tyler felt like a child again, his eyes burnt and his throat had a lump in, but he nodded pathetically, obidiently collecting his belongings before leaving. He had so many things he wanted to say, that he should have said, but he didn't.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting short chapters up to the 30th because ive got something excited planned for the last one :))

"What happened, baby?"

Laura comforted Josh hopelessly, taking him downstairs to the seating area because he didn't want to be in his bedroom. She turned all the lights off, leaving just the small lamps on to make a more comforting atmosphere for him. Nothing seemed to help.  
Her son just cried, curling up into himself in the corner of the crimson settee. She'd managed to get him into a pair of sweatpants, so she considered that a small victory. She didn't want her other children seeing their poor brother stark naked.

But she was trying hard not to breakdown herself. She'd seen Josh in some states, but this was different- he was so vunerable, and she'd seen him. _All_ of him, and it was so much worse than she'd ever imagined. She'd managed to distance herself from what happened to him, but when she saw his skin, his ruined body, it came to her. How inconsiderate and stupid she'd been.

"Josh, tell me what happened. I can't help you if you don't talk to me," she cooed, lightly grazing her fingers over the side of his face. He heaved in one last painful breath, and then dissolved into short pants. "Okay. I'm getting your inhaler and then you are telling me, Josh." She said sternly, but Josh was oblivious to her lack of presence as she slinked off to the kitchen to cry.

Josh scrubbed his face until it turned red and became painful, and then sat up against the arm of the chair, folding his arms over his chest and waiting until his mom came back in, carrying his reliever inhaler.  
He did as he was instructed, taking puffs of it until he felt lightheaded but could breathe again, and closed his tired eyes.  
"How about you talk to me now, hm?"  
Josh eyed her testily, chewing and sucking on his lips, "is dad in?"  
"You know he's not."  
Josh sighed, "okay, I… p-promise you won't get mad?"   
"I won't."  
" _Promise_."  
"I promise, Josh, I won't get mad."  
Josh raised a shaky hand to his hair, patting his hand over it and pulling on the very messy strands.   
"I… I. Uhm..." he squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled heavily, "w-we… we had sex."  
Laura paled. "…you had sex?"  
Josh's lip quivered and his eyes burned, " _Yes_." He sobbed again and covered his face.   
"Oh, _baby_ , come here."  
Laura wrapped her arms around him, and Josh sobbed onto her shoulder. "Its okay, baby, I'm here." She rocked him slightly, looking up and praying to God that he was going to be okay. She questioned her beliefs for so many years whilst he was gone, stopped going to church, but when he came back…  
"Did you want it? Please, Josh, please tell me you asked for it." Laura held her breath, waiting for the answer. She wouldn't hesitate to phone the police, but her husband wouldn't hesitate to beat the crap out of _Tyler Joseph_.  
"I-I did. I did, I wanted it, i-i wanted it so much, _please_ believe me, p-please-"  
"Okay, okay, I do. I believe you."  
"B-but. But then I got- I got- I-I'm so dirty, mom, m-mom, I wanna be clean, I-I wanna be _clean_ ," he gasped out his words, clutching his fists into his moms shirt, "Momma, I-I hurt, I'm _hurt_ , please!"  
"Baby, baby, what can I do? Tell me what to do and I'll do it."  
"I-I don't know, I don't know, I don't know."

-

When Tyler navigated his way home through tears, blurred vision and screams ringing through his skull, he comforted himself in the only way he'd ever known how.  
He rummaged through his cupboards, picking out any bottles of alcohol he could find, and collapsed on the couch with them. He didn't care what time it was, or what percentage of alcohol he drank. He just put his phone on charge, drank, looked at his phone hopefully, and took another swig of vodka or wine, not caring if he'd spent $20 or $100 on the bottle. He didn't care. He'd fucked up. He always _fucked up everything_.

He sniffed loudly, wiping his arm under his nose before taking another drink. He didn't even grimace at the taste anymore, he'd gotten used to it when he was in college.

It was eight by the time he realised he'd have to call of work, and he set up his laptop, going to his emails and not bothering to read any. He opened a draft and typed slowly so he wouldnt make any mistakes, before sending it as a group email to the people he was supposed to see tomorrow.   
In the back of his mind, he was aware he shouldn't be doing this- shouldn't be using drink as a way to cope like he always used to, that he could lose his credit as a therapist and fuck up his life forever, but… he didn't care.

He turned on the TV, flicking through the channels and settling on a shitty romantic film, that made him cry and sob pitfully, holding the liqueur to his chest, getting spit everywhere.

He hated himself so much. It wasn't the first time he fucked up something good- it happened time and time again.  
Like the man he'd had before Josh- he hurt him too. He broke him and pushed him to the breaking point, simply because knew how. He was abusive and manipulative, but he didnt have an excuse like Josh. That's all he was good at. Hurting people.

He was so guilty, but it didn't stop him from checking his phone every other minute, fingers hovering over Josh's contact. He wanted to call him so bad. He just wanted to hear his voice. He so desperately wanted to know that he was okay.

"Come on, Josh. Just call me. Call me. Fuck."


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this

Tylers head hurt inexplicably bad after drinking himself into a mini coma, but the pain wasn't what woke him up the next morning- it was the loud noises coming from his phone. He awoke on the first ring, or so he assumed, and sat up with a gasp.  
He searched blindly for it in the mess of sheets, the curtains were closed, and when he found it, the light made his eyes sting.  
He blinked exaggeratedly and slid the answer option across the screen, "Hello? J-Josh?"  
There was a deathly silence on the other end, and Tylers heart palpatated, "Josh?"

"Yeah." Josh's voice sounded raw, "I thought I should call."  
"Th-thank you- fuck, Josh, are you okay? Talk to me, tell me what I did, what can I do to make this better? Please, baby, I _need_ you-"  
"Tyler, I'm… I'm fine, I just…"  
Tyler swallowed dryly, grimacing at the taste in his mouth, "What? What is it?"  
"Nothing, I..." Josh's voice cracked and Tyler bit his lip, "Tyler, th-they were gonna make me go to hospital."  
Tylers stomach lurched. "H-hospital? Why? What for? Oh, God-"  
"B-because of the… the bleeding." Josh breathed in loudly and then started to cry down the speaker. Tyler could imagine him curled up under his covers, alone and scared, and he wanted so badly to just see him, cuddle him.  
"W-was it that bad? Fuck, I'm sorry, fuck, _fuck_. Josh- i-i didn't mean to…"  
"I know- I know. I-I just had to make them research it. It's... normal, for… yeah."  
"I'm sorry..."  
Josh sighed shakily and Tyler could hear sheets rustling. He was definitely hiding. He shouldn't be alone.  
"Can… can I come over?"  
There was a silence.

"… I don't know. My... my dad said he was gonna _hurt_ you. I-I don't want him to hurt you."  
"He won't hurt me," Tyler whispered, because he was unsure himself.  
"I want you to come over..."  
"Then I'll be there soon."

-

"You _smell_."  
Josh scrunched up his nose, pushing at Tylers chest as he moved in for a kiss.  
"You stink- you've been drinking, haven't you?"

Tyler scrubbed his face, nodding, "Yeah- yeah, I had a drink, because… I was worried."  
Josh sighed and stepped to the side, motioning for Tyler to walk past the threshold. He closed the door behind him and wrung his hands together. Tyler hated how awkward it was.   
"Do you… are we going to your room?"  
Josh paled and shook his head furiously, "No. No, w-we can sit down here. My brother Is upstairs." The way Josh said it was some kind of a warning, as if he was threatening Tyler so he wouldnt hurt him. It made Tyler want to dissolve into the ground.

Josh slinked away to the living room, sitting on the single chair so Tyler couldnt sit with him, and he had to suppress the whimper that made its way up his throat.

He sat straight on the couch opposite, staring at the floor. He felt like he'd done something bad and was being punished- he hadnt done anything, had he? What did he do? They had sex, but Josh wanted it, he asked for it and _enjoyed_ it…  
Josh still hadnt said anything and the silence was driving him crazy.

"Why are you acting like this?" He asked quietly, looking at Josh briefly. "Why won't you _talk_ to me? Please don't act like this, don't make me feel like- like I _raped_ you, Josh, I can't handle-"

"Stop, Tyler, just shut up!" Josh raised his voice slightly. He ran his hands over his face and kept them there. Tyler bit his nails, sinking back into the couch cushions. "I-I don't know what to do anymore. I thought this was okay, I thought I was okay and that this was good for me, but… I don't know anymore. Tyler, I..." Josh's voice grew weaker, croaking out words.

Tyler swallowed heavily, "What… what do you mean?"

Josh sighed, "I thought about this all night and… Tyler, I love you, but I just... I think that I should stop seeing you- no. No, I _know_ that i need to stop seeing you, because I need to get better and… you might stop me."

Tylers lungs stopped working. "W-what? What? Josh, no, please-"  
"This is for me, Tyler, _please_."  
Tyler curled his fist and pressed it hard into his thigh, exhaling heavily.   
"Okay. Okay, yeah. I-I understand, I know you need some time-"  
"No, Tyler. I don't want to see you again. I can't... I can't see you again, okay?"

"…okay." Tylers voice was meek, and it almost made Josh feel powerful. Almost. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some triggering stuff in this. Careful.
> 
> Maybe I should stop writing when I'm having bad thoughts

Josh knew things would get worse before they got better- that's why he gave his phone away to his parents and got rid of anything from his room that he could hurt himself with.  
Of course, he did that when his mind was clear, and on the worst nights he'd be screaming and _begging_ for a knife or a pin or anything he could stab himself with, because he didn't want to be here. Because he hated not having Tyler- not having someone there he could talk to or just… have.  
But when he was thinking straight, he knew that what he did was for the best.

And it took months.

He had a new therapist- a woman who had kind green eyes and orange hair who made him feel safe and meaningful.  
He played his drums and pierced his ears and eventually started a learning course- maths, because he didn't know numbers.

He cried a lot, but not as much as before, and he slowly, _slowly_ , started to forget.

-

Tyler couldnt forget.  
He couldn't forget, he couldnt get out of bed, he couldnt keep his job and he couldn't put down the bottle of alcohol that he held so dearly to his chest, staring right through the person stood in front of him.

It was… his mom? Maybe?  
He hadnt checked because he didn't care. He was empty. His chest hurt and his eyes burnt.

"Tyler. _Fuck_! Tyler Robert Joseph, listen to me! Give me that fucking-" the bourbon was torn from his grip, his reactions slow as he lashed out for it seconds later. "You are a mess, Tyler. You haven't worked in three months- have you payed your rent?"

He rubbed his eyes and looked up at her blearily, nodding slowly.  
Had he? He thought… _what_?

"Tyler, I don't know what to do anymore. This has to stop. I need you to talk to me- talk to anyone, _please_." She pleaded.

Tyler stopped talking to people.  
He kept it together for a few days, because that's how long it took it to hit him. Josh was gone and he'd lost all stability he had. He fucked up again and this time... he couldn't change it. So he didn't try to.

"I'm leaving now, Tyler. But I'm coming back tonight and this house better be… Tyler, just… get a shower, and then please, _please_ talk to me."

Her words fell on deaf ears and she sighed, holding back tears as she left the unkempt house.

Tyler looked at the window, longing her to come back and just hold him. He just wanted to be loved. He wanted someone to be there for him. He wanted a presence. But he didn't know how to talk anymore.

He looked around him, not at all bothered by the mess or the grime, then hauled himself up off the couch that he practically lived on, struggling to keep his balance.  
He stumbled through the room, and made his way up the staircase.

He didn't think Josh had meant so much to him- he really hadnt. He took him for granted and now, like before, his life was… nothing. He didn't help people anymore because he forgot how to do it without hurting them instead.  
That was what he did. He hurt people…

He stopped in front of the bathroom mirror. It was fogged with blood stains and spit, but he could still see himself. He gazed at his reflection, not recognising the thing glaring back at him, taunting him, and slowly lifted his shirt.  
His stomach, once chubbed and pale, was empty and marred.

He ran his fingers over it, not flinching as his grown-out nails scraped over the gouges he found there. He couldn't remember when he started cutting himself again, but his mind kindly supplied him with random images of himself smashing glasses and stabbing himself- or taking apart razors to slash his skin with.  
He smiled weakly, letting his shirt fall and he reached out, rubbing his newly bloodied fingers over the mirror. He felt like it looked pretty, but he knew that was wrong.

He was numb, dragging his limbs across to his study. It was destroyed- the desk upturned, paper and pens strewn across the floor. He got to his knees, picking them up with shaking hands, and started to write. He didn't know what, he didn't care, but he had to include Josh. He was all he ever thought of- nothing else mattered.

He didn't remember anything after that, coming to only as his feet stumbled over the edge of something, heart pounding in his chest.  
His eyes had been closed, and he forced them open, gasping as he looked down over the edge of the bridge he he couldn't reminisce walking to.  
And finally, he started to cry, heaving sobs and screams into the cold night air, staring up at the sky and wishing he could think of anything to stop himself from doing this. He used to have something that helped but... what?  
The letter in his hand burnt his skin (or maybe that was the fire he'd held there earlier?) and he searched for a rock to hold it down onto the floor.  
He paused for a moment, thinking for a reason, anything just to stay a little while longer. He came up with nothing, and an eerily calm feeling washed over him as he climbed up the steel fencing that lined the motorway bridge.  
He sat for a moment, watching his feet dangle off the edge, not bothered by the height or the wind swaying him kindly, gentle, persuasive.   
Because _nothing_ mattered anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to put some smiths lyrics at the end but I blanked  
> Anyway. ..  
> It's done... my baby... that I sorta hate but tolerate. ... this wasn't the ending even I was expecting. I'm so changeable.  
> Honestly I just don't even know anymore...  
> Thank you all for reading this and commenting.  
> I was gonna do 30 chapters but 29 feels safe right now  
> .
> 
> (Pls don't be too sad I am writing a sequel but if you want it you gotta give me lotsa ideas)


	30. Chapter 30

So I d k if anyone realised but I deleted ball tongue and haven't been writing at all, really. But I'm kind of working on a new sequel again, I guess I just really hated the other one. I've got new ideas from old fanfiction u used to read and just other ideas. Anyway, comment to let me know if you want me to write it please?


End file.
